A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it. He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because..because Ive got heartburn.

The bartender says, Look, lady…its not beertender, its bartender. Its not a martuni, its a martini. Its not a dribble, its a double. Thats not a pickle, its an onion. And you havent got heartburn, You have your left tit in the Ashtray!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.



After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, I cant help but think, from listening to you, that youre from Ireland.



The other guy responds proudly, Yes, that I am!



The first guy says, So am I! And where about from



Ireland might you be?



The other guy answers, Im from Dublin, I am.



The first guy responds, Sure and begora, and so am I!



And what street did you live on in Dublin?



The other guy says, A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.



The first guy says, Faith & its a small world, so did I!



And to what school would you have been going?



The other guy answers, Well now, I went to St. Marys of course.



The first guy gets really excited, and says, And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?



The other guy answers, Well, now, I graduated in 1964.



The first guy exclaims, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Marys in 1964 my own self.



About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.



The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, Its going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.

Man: Hey, this guys really good! Whered you get him?



Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.



Man: Can I try?



Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.



Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.



* Ten thousand ducks appear *



Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!



Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.



The drunk says, I havent got it.



The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.



The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.



The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.



The drunk says, I havent got it.



The bartender cant believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.



The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.



In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time?



The drunk replies, You!? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.



After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.



No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man.



Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!

a man came staggering into a bar and said, i want a drink. the bartender said, forget it guy, your too drunk, just go on home. the man refused to leave, so the bartender threw him out. the man crawled around on the ground till he finally got on his feet and staggered around to the side door and came into the bar again. the bartender grabbed him and threw him out again. The man finally got on his feet again and staggered around to the back of the bar and came in the back door of the bar. The bartender grabbed the man and threw him out again. The man looked up from the ground at the bartender and said in a slurred voice, tell me mister, do you work in every freaking bar in this town?

Did you hear about the guy who went into a bar to watch the UCLA-USC game last year, and had a little dog with him?

The bartender told him he needed to take the dog outside, but the guy told him that the dog was a huge football fan. Every time UCLA scored a touchdown, the dog would bark, wag his tail and run around excitedly.

At the end of the game, when UCLA had won, the dog did a back flip! The bartender was amazed.

Thats great, he said. But what does he do if USC wins?

The guy said, I dont know. The dogs only 7 years old!

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, Whatll you have? The guy answers, A scotch, please. The bartender hands him the drink, and says Thatll be five dollars, to which the guy replies, What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this.A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again.The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, What the heck are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back! The guy says, What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life! The bartender replies, Im very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.To which the guy replies, Thank you. Make it a scotch.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says Hey bartender give me a beer.



The bartender says – Im sorry we dont serve food here.

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, No way, pal. I dont think you can pay for it.

Youre right, the guy says. I dont have any money, but if I show you something you havent seen before, will you give me a drink?

You have a deal, my friend, says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play…

Youre right… Ive never seen anything like that before, says the bartender. That hamster is really gifted.

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

Will that be cash or another miracle, pal? asks the bartender.

Watch this, replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

Its a deal, says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

Are you some kind of nut? asks the bartender. You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.

Not Really, the man replies, You see, the hamster is also a ventriloquist