A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach.

So, where yall from? he asks.

We are from, one of them answers, somewhere where people dont end their sentences with prepositions.

Oh, says the bartender. So, where yall from, bitch!

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, You got any fish?

The bartender says, No. This is a bar and we dont sell fish so the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, You got any fish?

The bartender says,I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we dont sell fish.

Ther following day, the duck returns and asks,You got any fish?

The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams,I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DONT SELL FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, IM GONNS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!

The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, Got any nails?

The bartender sighs and says, No, we dont have any nails.

The duck says,Good. Got any fish?

The first little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the Bar man said I suppose you want to use the toilet, but the third little pig said No, Im the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads $2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details.

Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

You have to do three things and its all yours, the bartender says.

Just three things? the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.

What are the three things?

Well, the bartender says, first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out…

After that, Ive got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled…

Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.

No problem, the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, Hey pal your shoelace is untied.

When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed.

The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.

Okay, he says, wheres the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??

Each time the man visits this bar he has a little white box with him.

The lady bartender is finally overcome with interest, and ask: Whats in the box?

To which he replies The most amazing frog ever. He loves to go down on women and he is really great.

She suggest she found out how how good the frog is.

In the back room she takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs apart as the man takes the frog out of the box and places him between her legs.

After several minutes nothing is happening. The man reaches down and picks the frog up, and shaking him says: Now listen, I am going to show you one more time!

Three leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, Jaysus, Im bored wid bein a feckin nobody. Im tinkin Ill take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.

What de hell are ye talkin about, ye eejit? Youve dun nuttin to get in de book for, says Sean.

Well, its me hands, Sean, Mick says, waving them around. I tink dey are de smallest in de world and Im gonna get meself entered into de book and Ill be world famous.

The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.

A little while later Kevin pipes up, Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.

The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if Ive got dem, ya bloody fool?

Kevin replies, Its not me hands, Mick, its me feet, and he takes his boots to show them. I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and Im gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.

The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Some time later Sean chimes in, Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.

The others fall about laughing.
What de feck have you got dats so feckin interesting? cries Sean.
Its me dick, he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.

Jaysus, yeve got the best chance of us all, Sean, says Kevin. Days the smallest feckin dick I ever saw, and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street.

Jaysus, he says, Im gonna go into dat office and Im gonna get me hands measured and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. I did it. I did it, he says. Im in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobodys got smaller hands dan me, he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward.

Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.

Feck it. I will, says Kevin and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.

Jaysus, Im famous, he says. Ive got de smallest feet in de world. Im famous, Im famous.

With that Sean staggers to the office door. Im gonna get me dick measured, he says. I wont be long.

The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.

Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Forty
minutes go by and the office door opens.

Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. Who de feckin hell is Bill Gates? he says.

Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer wont be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.



The customer drinks it down and says, That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.



So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.



Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.



The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.



Angus downs the Scotch and says, Now this is forty-year old Scotch!



The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.



An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: I bet you think youre real smart, slurs the drunk. Here, take a swig of this.



Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.



My God! Angus exclaims. That tastes like piss!



Great guess, says the drunk. Now, how old am I?

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.

Bartender says, You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?



The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ive got my best buddy in my pocket here. and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.



The bartender asks You mean to say, He can drink that much?



Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some. the man retorted.



So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.



Thats amazing says the bartender.



What else can he do, can he walk?



The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.



The bartender is in total shock.



Thats amazing, he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?



The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a Jerk!

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: You aint from around here, are ya… where ya from, boy?



The guy says, Im from Iowa.



The bartender asks, What th hell you do in Iowa?



The guy responds, Im a taxidermist.



The bartender asks, A taxidermist… now just what th hell is a taxidermist?



The guy says I mount animals.



The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, Its OK boys, hes one of us!

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!

Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!



The bartender does nothing.



So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.



Jesus! He just jumped again!



The bartender ignores the man.



So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.



How did you survive that jump?..I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.



So the guy quickly orders a floatie drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk!



The Bartender then says, You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when youre drunk.