A lady walks into a bar and says, Barkeep, gimme a martooni. The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, Barkeep, gimme another martooni. So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesnt say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, Would you like another? She says, Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.
The bartender says, Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: Its martini, not martooni.
Number 2: Its bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: Youre not having heartburn, your boobs in the ash tray.

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk! He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?
I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.
Okay, truck drivers are not nerds, he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
Why did you do that?
Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license. The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
Well, sure, says the patrolman. But you cant bait em.

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:

Excuse me, but arent you Adolf Hitler?

Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler.

But I thought you were dead!

Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

What? the guy exclaims. Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

and he sits down on the stool. He orders a steak. He eats it. He takes out his pistol, fires it into the air, and walks out as fast as he came.The man that was sitting next to the panda looked out the bartender curiously, so the bartender showed him a misspelled wildlife guide.The man read,Panda. Native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, Hi there, hows it going tonight?

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, Ill screw anybody at any time, any where … your place or my place, it doesnt matter to me.

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, Really? What law firm do you work for?

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, 10 pounds.

The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?

The proud Texas father said, Yup …just had him circumcised!

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what hes doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the mans friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "theyre both still alive. Ive just quit drinking."