Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriends house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head. "What are you doing? says her boyfriend."Shut up! Youre next!"

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says Well maam, I cant cut your hair with those head-phones on. Youre going to have to take them off.



She shakes her head vigorously and replies No, if I take them off, I will die. He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.



All he heard was Breathe in, breathe out, breath in.

Did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

She later locked herself in the bathroom and pissed herself because she couldnt hold it until someone came to rescue her.

One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out

of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness… The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

How do you get a one armed blonde off a flag pole?

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well thats the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I cant open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldnt budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

Blonde: It said Pull

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are – very slowly?



The manager leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing.

A blonde went to the bathroom to pop her huge zit on her boob. When her friend walked in asked her what she was doing, the blonde replied, Trying to pop this huge zit on my boob!

Her friend answered, Thats not a zit. Thats your nipple!

Are You A Steamer?

Steamer – A person, normally female and also normally of 45+ years, who refusing to accept her age makes desperate attempts to appear 20+ years younger.

Take this questionnaire to find out if you are a steamer:

Your wardrobe consists mainly of:

tailored suits and silk blouses – you spend most of your time at the office
sweats, jeans and t-shirts – designed for your active lifestyle
spandex pants in neon colors, halter tops and mini-skirts which you share with your 14 year-old daughter.

Your hair is:

exquisitely highlighted by one of the finer salons in your city
your natural color
the palest white blonde you can get from a bottle.

Your favourite place to buy clothing:

Saks, Holt-Renforth – only the finest quality will do
K-Mart, Walmart – youd rather spend your hard-earned money on more important things
Contempo Casual, Suzies or wherever it is your teenaged daughter and her friends shop.

Your complexion is:

pale white – you never have time to be outdoors
slightly tanned or sunburned from your recent Florida vacation
deeply tanned – you have a life-long membership with an indoor tanning parlour.

Your nails are:

short,square,painted a light frosted pink
youd prefer not to show them – as theyve become ragged from the gardening you love
3.5 centimeters acrylics painted fire-engine red.

You and your husband are meeting friends for dinner; you wear:

well-made black slacks with matching jacket and black pumps.
jeans and a sweater – your friends wont expect you to dress up.
leopard skin spandex pants with halter top and stilletto heels.

Your cosmetics:

A dozen items in shades suitable for the office applied and blended for a natural look as taught to you by a professional make-up artist.
tinted moisterizer, sunscreen and mascara is all you ever use.
Hazel Bishops jet black mascara with matching eye-liner, several pairs of false eyelashes, neon coloured lipsticks, rouge, and several jars of expensive face creams – hey, being glamourous takes work.

Your career of past 10 years has been:

investment banker
nursing or medical related
receptionist or restaraunt hostess.

Your residence:

a rental condo in a highrise in the center of financial district – perfect for the entertaining your work requires
a chalet in the country side – its worth the commute to be there.
a track house in the suburbs you bought for its walking access to several shopping centers.

You just found out you won $12000 on your lottery ticket! You:

Impossible! You wouldnt be caught dead buying a lottery ticket.
Remind yourself to ask your cousin Patti for investment advice when you see her this weekend
Rush to the telephone to find a plastic surgeon who does breast implants.

You fantasize about a career in:

Owning your own company
Applied Biotechnology
modeling or topless dancing – youve still got what it takes.

The magazines you subscribe to:

Fortune,PCWeek,Omni
National Geographic,Redbook and Readers Digest
Cosmopolitan,Young & Modern,Seventeen

From a distance people sometimes mistake you for:

Susan Sarandon
Elle Macpherson
the woman from the Psychic Friends Network commercials.

Speaking of celebrities, you fancy you resemble:

Meryl Streep and Jodie Foster
Sandra Bullock and Geena Davis
Pamela Anderson and a young Christie Brinkley.

Your bathroom is decorated in:

High-Tech patterns of black and white, modern lighting
Lavender-based floral wallpaper with an old-fashioned bathtub.
Pictures of yourself topless, taken in the Greek Islands by a former lover.

Your vehicle

Two-seater imported sports-car.
Ford Taurus
84 Japanese import-the only thing you can afford after you buy your clothes each month.

Score:

Count the number of C answers you selected.

3 or less

You are definitely NOT a steamer. Your education, good-taste or preoccupation with domestic matters will most likely prevent you from ever becoming a steamer.

3-5

While you are most likely Not a steamer, you may have picked up one or two of these unflattering habits from your mother. If you are not yet 40, then save this article and take the test regularly. Seek help if your score goes up.

5-7

Better be Carefull as you clearly have tendencies to steamerism. Throw out all of your low-cut tops and spandex and vow never to wear them again. Lose the tan and RUN to the beauty salon for hair coloring correction.

8 or More

No doubt about it… your a steamer tried and true. Your probably used to being followed by pre-teenage boys in grocery stores by now. You may be contemplating stealing your daughters boyfriend. As its too late to undo the habits and images ingrained in you, consider buying a red convertable and moving to Hawaii.