Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. Ive heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id
better hold onto it incase they dont ever send me anther one! I
cant connect. I dont know what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it goes. It
wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still dont work. I cant get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says thats just another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didnt even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didnt know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 – Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. Im confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe hes not so modest after all.

July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because Im
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDNT WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DONT NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited.
Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked
but I cant find that group.

August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
hes laughing so hard he cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
dont know why the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe itll work !?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car
default warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would be

Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship
in the Caribbean. It was wonderful–the experience of his
life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did
not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went
down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the
shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be
seen. No person, no supplies, nothing.

The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts,
but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea
mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around
the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the
past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond
hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her
boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, Where did you come from? How did
you get here?

She said, I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat?

You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with
you.

It is only me, she said, and the rowboat didnt wash up,
nothing else did.

Well then, said the man, how did you get the rowboat?

I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum
tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

But, but…, stuttered the man, what about tools and
hardware, how did you do that?

Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of
the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used
that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that, she said, where do you live? At
last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping
on the beach. Well, lets row over to my place, she said.

So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and
around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. Its not much, she said, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?

No thanks, said the man, one more coconut juice and I
will puke.

It wont be coconut juice, the woman replied. I have a
still; how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories,
the woman asked, Tell me, have you always had a beard?

No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life,
even on the cruise ship.

Well if you would like to shave, theres a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom. The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
stairs.

You look great, said the woman, I think Ill go up and
slip into something more comfortable. The man settled in to
wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves
and smelling faintly of gardenia.

Tell me something, she said, We have both been out here
for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you
really miss? Something that all men and woman need?

Something that it would be really nice to have right now?

Yes there is, the man replied, moving closer to the woman
while fixing her with a long, intense gaze.

Tell me… Do you happen to have an internet connection?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.



Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.



Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.



Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.



That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!



Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…



What about the PC?



Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.



Which three?



Control, Alt and Delete.——

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFTS NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:





You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to



accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not



give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an



infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others



smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how



good it is.



If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.



Set the oven using these keystrokes:



mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat



Then enter:



ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.



If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press



start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.



If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the



ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of



the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The



oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to



your specification.



Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your



oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the



dinner from the oven and enter:



ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap



This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave



and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your



oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.



Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger



than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of



which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too



large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.



Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the



chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,



call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want



another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.



Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of



their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger



family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must



be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.



Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However,



that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get



thrilled in advance.



Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the



freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,



not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.