Joke – How to uninstall AOL.

Follow these steps precisely, and proceed to the next step only after discovering that AOL is still installed.

1. Uninstall AOL through AOLs built-in uninstaller.
2. Uninstall AOL through Add/Remove Programs.
3. Do a System Restore to a date before you had AOL installed.
4. Give up and reinstall Windows.
5. Reinstall Windows again because it crashed halfway through.
6. Scream wildly. Swearing is appropriate in this instance.
7. Format the drive completely.
8. Reinstall Windows from scratch, and find a perfectly clean desktop with nothing except the My Computer, Recycle Bin and AOL icons on your desktop.
9. Turn off computer, and physically remove hard drive. Run a large magnet over hard drive, then run it over with a 20-ton steamroller, then take hard rive to nearest data recovery company, where theyll politely tell you that they were unable to recover the spreadsheet that you needed for work on Thursday, but that theres no need to panic, because amazingly AOL 8.3 (the Melty version) is still installed on the drive.
10. Weep like a little girl. Then go to your nearest hardware store and buy an axe. Upon returning to the parking lot with the axe, take the hard drive out of your trunk and commence hacking.
11. Take all the little pieces home, and toss them in a bonfire. This, of course, will not work, for as we all know from watching various B-movies, items with demonic auras dont burn.
12. Douse fire with water. Douse hard drive with Holy Water.
13. When all else fails, convert to the Amish beliefs. They never seem to have this sort of problem for some reason.

(The preceding has been a JakesJokes.com original.)

[This is an original creation except as noted below]

[For the occassional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online
has been distributing 10 Hours Free disks like crazy. They come with
magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals
etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest
in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]

Things to do about all of your AOL disks.

Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from
a signature seen on the net.]
Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like
Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out
of names before you run out of disks.
Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download
enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Dont stop
until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining
unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.
Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time.
Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets
AOLs order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber
data base.
Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom
to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.
Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth
of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.
Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium
and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they
reach critical mass.
Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ids. Making
effective use of mail forwarding and distrubtion lists, bring AOL to
a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding
the following message among the various account: Stop sending
these f*****g disks.
Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire
at age 43.
Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to
mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and
to send the letter to five more people.

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and childrens art. We dont have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Dont write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When an I.T. person says hes coming right over, go for coffee. That way you wont be there when we need your password. Its nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not whats keeping you from getting it. We dont need to know that you cant get into your mail because your computer wont power on at all.

When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. Were just testing.

When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesnt work, call computer support. Theres electronics in it.

When somethings wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. persons chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens dont have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an I.T. person tells you that hell be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly? That motivates us.

When the printer wont print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still wont print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Dont learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by My thingy blew up.

Dont use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

One of Microsoft Networks finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.



At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.



The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.



The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.



The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…



Its leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!

11. I find it hard to concentrate without 20 fans running. 10. I needed a home for my dust bunnies. 9. My plans to open a computer museum, might just get venture capital someday. 8. Three more and I can host a LAN party. 7. The command line will make a comeback, and I want to be ready. 6. Maybe the burglars will steal the old one instead of the new one. 5. When you get a new friend, do you get rid of the old ones? 4. Where else could you get a space heater that also runs Seti@home. 3. Its not obsolete, its previously functional. 2. So I can complain about how slow the new Microsoft operating system runs on it. 1. You never know when your first three computers go down and you need a fourth back up.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

If Oracle made toasters… Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters… Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box. If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster 02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except fathers mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com–

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santas workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds hes a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! youre all of you through,

Its Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist, Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist – Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And mum in her kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winters nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsofts dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsofts major competitors in the software industry and ruining them.

The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. [Digital Researchs] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldnt even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell. Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system.

Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldnt even interoperate well with NetWare! All development on Digital Researchs product was subsequently halted in September 1994.

Frankenberg also explained their second target. When it became obvious that Windows NT wouldnt be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it. The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novells pushing of the UnixWare abomination and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes. Once the damage was complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation] last month.

The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsofts competition in the Windows application market. Under the guise of creating a rival suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro, Gates explained. With our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs were introduced in the release cycle. [Microsoft] Excel wasnt half the spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us now! Novells intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on October 30. Were done, said Frankenberg.

When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, We expect IBM to do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done.

Many industry insiders were taken by surprise. It explains a lot, said Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund. We never could figure out what the hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix.