One of Microsoft Networks finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

Its leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!

Government should be run like a business. Weve all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobodys favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsofts example and actually ship them the following May.
Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other countrys intellectual property.
When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous years form.
Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsofts, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

VMS Beer — Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY

1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit
the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or
emotionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into
unconsciousness.

2. AVOID ISOLATION. Dont do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies
with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but
also is anathema to agitation and depression.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside
so no-one will distract you. Theyre just trying to hurt your
productivity.

3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation,
or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if
necessary, leave.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress
these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( Its free.)

4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE. Pinpoint those areas or aspects which
summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that
pressure.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum
productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind
wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the
stock price.

5. STOP OVERNURTURING. If you routinely take on other peoples problems and
responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing
for yourself.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE
responsible for it all. Perhaps you havent thoroughly read your job
description.

6. LEARN TO SAY NO. Youll help diminish intensity by speaking up for
yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time
or emotions.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness,
and lowers the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can
do at midnight.

7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH. Learn to delegate, not only at work, but
also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing
yourself for yourself.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone
else do it (See # 5).

8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES. Try to sort out the meaningful values from the
temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. Youll
conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is
selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the
company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your
priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this
and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be
taken care of.

9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF. Try to take life in moderation. You only have
so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life,
then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.
MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland
Marketing Team. Dont be a fool: the only thing that matters
is work and productivity.

10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Dont skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid
diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments.
Take care of yourself nutritionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the
company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew.
(its free.)

11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY. Try to keep superstitious worrying to a
minimum–it changes nothing. Youll have a better grip on your situation
if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real
needs.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If youre not worrying about work, you must not be
very committed to it. Well find someone who is.

12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Begin to bring joy and happy moments into
your life. Very few people suffer burnout when theyre having fun.
MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? Well discuss this
with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:



1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.



2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.



3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.



4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!



5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.



6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.



7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.



8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?



9. Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)



10.This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.



11.To shut down your system, type WIN.



12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.



13.COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.



14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)



15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)



16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)



17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.



18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)



19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)



20.User Error: Replace user.



21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)



22.Welcome to Microsofts World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…



23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have security?



24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Heres a little clarification of corporate lingo.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: Youll need it to replace three people who just left.



PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.



REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.



GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.



IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:Ive used Microsoft Office.



IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.



MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.



I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.



IM PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.



IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.



I AM ADAPTABLE: Ive changed jobs a lot.



I AM ON THE GO: Im never at my desk.



IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.



I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

Megahertz – When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning