Azathoth, Nyarlathotep, and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.

To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
Sirs:
Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent
product entitled Windows 95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of
intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
With this suit We will show that Windows 95, and to a lesser extent all of
the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised look-and-feel
of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

Windows 95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;
No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into
gibbering insanity;
A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;
Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers
and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of
Alien Gods);
Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to
exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available at
a terrible cost to the user.
The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and
force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that
most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces
scoop out their brains and eat them.
We hope you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court,
since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest
of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security
psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
Respectfully yours,

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me.
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our companys training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the pedagogical approach used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR directors office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldnt stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word pedagogical circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

Mainframe – The part of the house that holds up the roof

By Nicholas Petreley

Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, were about to begin a sequel.

Capitan, Windows 95 doesnt do SQL.

Right. Then lets see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?

Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, well risk a matter-antimatter explosion!

Scotty, thats an order.

Aye, Captain, but shes just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown.

Thats what were doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?

Were on disk 5, sir.

Good. Spock?

Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt.

Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it cant use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?

Unknown, Captain.

Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?

Unknown, Captain.

How about a Sound Blaster?

Unknown, Captain.

What good are you, anyway?

Box-office attraction, Captain.

Bones?

Im a doctor, not a hardware technician.

Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when its ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal.

Yes, Captain.

Chekov?

Weve just entered the desktop zone, Capitan.

Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.

Scotty, we havent even started yet.

Sorry, Captain, I just havent had a line in so long…

Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.

Yes, Captain.

Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. Well be navigating back there frequently.

Yes, sir.

Spock?

It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The Proaudio Spectrum 16 isnt responding, either in sound or SCSI.

Disable the card, Spock.

Im sorry, sir. It wont disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card first. And it wont disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first.

Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 oclock.

[looks at watch] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems.

No, sir. The ship is already upon is.

Uhura?

Scanning all frequencies, sir. Im trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow.

Scotty, whats happening down there?

The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time. Even the main 32-bit systems are blocked.

See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?

It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive.

[impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship]

Put it on visual, Chekov.

Yes, sir.

[louder oohs and ahhs]

Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!

Im sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding.

Bones?

Im a doctor, not a beta tester!

Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file.

Captain – its gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it.

Long range scan, Chekov.

I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard.

Patrick Stewart?

Youve never heard of Patrick Stewart?

No.

Must be a generation gap.

Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.

[sigh] Maintain power, Mister Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert.

Captain, I cant figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!

Bones?

Im a doctor, not a quick reference!

Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP Laserjet.

Captain, Ive chosen the screen saver that says Chicago is COOL but now Im getting no response at the helm.

[Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes Sulu – take evasive action or its certain Doom!

Yes, it certainly is Doom and I dont mind telling you Im getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games around, so what does it prove that it runs under Win 95?

Weve got… to get… to the kernel. Uhura… notify… the… kernel at star fleet.

Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or youre dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again.

Spock?

Fascinating Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have outweighed the needs of the many.

Scotty, get us out of here!

Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! Well have to do a hard boot for surrre.

Bones?

Its dead, Jim.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

IBM: Ive Been Mugged

Crash – When you go to Juniors party uninvited.

Microsofts ad slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today?



Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :



1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.

5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.

9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.

10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!

13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

15. How do you want to crash today?

Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.