IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine

The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend
a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.

They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.

At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
You unpack while I go and find us a bear.

The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat
outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.

Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got
nearer – and suddenly there was the salesman, running
across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the
largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had
ever seen.

Open the door! shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and
stepped aside.

The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the
door and disappeared inside.

The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked
at the analyst, and said:

Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another.

andrew@cit5.oz (…oz.au) Andrew Moore.

In my life, when I read comics, I thought the zzzz in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that wasted time! With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the lightbulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light.

Now,I finally know what all those sleeping people in those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what Im babbling about, start up Microsoft Word, type in zzzz (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check. Now you too can be enlightened!

REMEMBER it has to be 4 letters of z. Try using the thesaurus too.

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one – a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling – is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.

We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

Sometimes referred to as Homes for the Technologically Infirm, Technical Invalid Care Centers, or Homes for the Technically Challenged, Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself:

How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?

How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?

How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you cant figure out how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read Im Glad Im in Here! – A Residents Story.

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a residents monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a danger to themselves and the community. According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, it came from someone we know.

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?

First, make sure its a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, Im supposed to figure that out? Im not Bill goddamned Gates you know!, this is probably assisted computing.

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facilitys Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to learn or improve.

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?

No.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

You start introducing yourself as lord at pacbell dot net

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http://

123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont have a job.

You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape

3.01

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile 🙂

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button

Your computer goes down, you havent logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

IBM: Its Backwards, Man

Nike Condoms: Just do it.Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.Mentos Condoms: The freshmakerFlintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.Ford Condoms: The best never rest.Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.The Carls Jr. Condom: If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…General Electric: We bring good things to life!AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.Bounty: The quicker picker upper.Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!Chevron: Use them? people do.Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.MCI: for friends and family Double Mint:Double your pleasure, double your fun!The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winterDelta Airlines travel pack: Deltas ready when you areUnited Airlines travel pack: Fly UnitedThe Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

October 14, 1947 – Pilot Chuck Yeager flew the Bell X One rocket plane and became the first person to break the sound barrier.

BREAKING THE SOUND BARIER?

The New York Times reports that Nathan P. Myhrvold, Microsofts chief technology officer, working with a paleontologist, has developed a computer model that provides evidence that some dinosaurs may have been able to use their tails like bull whips, creating a cannon-like sonic boom by exceeding the speed of sound with the last few inches of the tail. Thus, dinosaurs, and not Chuck Yeager, may have been the first life forms on the planet to break the sound barrier.

It struck me as somehow appropriate that Microsofts CTO would concern himself with how to make a dinosaur go so fast.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

Chuckles Of Choice Web Site

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/

(This wasnt written by me or about me. But it might as well have been.)

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. Not you again, I said.

Sorry, he said, a little sheepishly. I guess you know why Im here.

Indeed I did. Microsofts $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadnt. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldnt take no for an answer.

No, I said.

You know I cant take that, he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. Come on. Just one copy. Thats all we ask.

Not interested, I said. Look, isnt there someone else you can go bother for a while? Theres got to be someone else on the planet who doesnt have a copy.

Well, no, the Microsoft man said. Youre the only one.

You cant be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer, I said. And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear thats just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95.

The Microsoft man look perplexed. Im missing your point, he said.

Use! I screamed. Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you cant USE it?

Well, I dont know anything about this use thing youre going on about, the Microsoft man said. All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.

People without computers?

Got em.

Amazonian Indians?

We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.

The Amish?

Check.

Oh, come on, I said. They dont even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?

We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box, the Microsoft man admitted. We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft. He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. But thats not the point! he said. The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you.

So what? I said. If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?

If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.

No.

Oh, back to that again, the Microsoft man said. Hey. Ill tell you what. Ill GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer. He waved the box in front of me.

No, I said again. No offense, pal, but I dont NEED it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, its a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.

It did.

Pardon?

World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple.

So what happened?

Well, you know, he said. It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldnt figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.

Go away, I said.

I cant, he said. Ill be killed if I fail.

You have got to be kidding, I said.

Look, the Microsoft man said, We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, theyre opening the boxes and figuring out theyve been had. Well be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, its embarassing. Its embarassing to the company. Its embarassing to the product. Its embarassing to Bill.

Bill Gates does not care about me, I said.

Hes watching right now, the Microsoft man said. Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. Its also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, Im a pile of grey ash.

He wouldnt do that, I said. He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.

Oh, Bills gotten pretty good with that laser, the Microsoft man said nervously. Okay. I wasnt supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, well give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?

Terrible. Theres an active volcano there.

Its only a small one, the Microsoft man said.

Look, I said, even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? Youd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

Windows 95… For Pets?!?!?

Theres a LOT of domestic animals out there, he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

Surprise Settlement Evenly Splits Microsoft; One Firm To Make Software, Other To Make Patches

Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Critics immediately charged that the settlement — which overrides a previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice — does nothing to diminish Microsofts standing as the worlds most powerful software company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so thats 1 billion patches, said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. That is an enormous, undeveloped market.

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a mad scramble among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was really quite simple.

Everyone here is asking themselves, Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? he said.

But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. Considering the sheer number of patches were talking about, I think the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people whove jumped ship very well know that.

Nonsense. Its really all about consumer choice, responded Patchsofts new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer, Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com). Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsofts upgrade site. That was planned, he said. It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch Access system. Went perfectly. No one was able to download anything.

At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers (CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the settlement prohibits collaboration.

Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. Theyll just have to be surprised, he said.

So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft, he added.

One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of Patchsoft. This seems like a logical split right now, but what if Microsofts products improve to the extent that patches are needed less frequently, or perhaps not at all? she asked.

Im sorry, I can only respond to serious questions, Blumenthal answered.

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