ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS – I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense:

I dont hate Windows – it runs great under OS/2!
Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95?!?!?!?
Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!
#1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!!
– Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
.. Bugs come in through open Windows.
..Windows NT Performance, on the next In Search Of
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
Air conditioned environment – Do not open Windows.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Bugs come in through Open Windows
Chernobyl used Windows
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
Error 15 – Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #F99 – CPU too tired to continue…
Error Loading Windows : (A)bort (R)etry (B)oot
WINDOWS ERROR #004: Operator fell asleep while waiting.
Windows 95 = 95% done. Better wait till 1999.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I…
Friends encourage friends to use Windows – under OS/2!
Get OS/2 2.0 – The best Windows tip around!
HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!
Having Windows problems? Dial 1-800-3-IBM-OS2 for fast relief!
He whom opens thee Windows invites the bugs in
How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
I dont do Windows, but OS/2 does.
If all else fails, you must still be using Windows.
If at first you dont succeed, you must be using Windows.
Microsoft gives you Windows… OS/2 gives you the whole house.
MS Windows — From the people who brought you EDLIN!
One mans Windows are another mans walls…
OS/2 2.1: Taking the wind out of Windows.
OS/2 is not about fixing old Windows, but opening new doors.
OS/2: Opens Windows, Shuts up GATES…
OS/2: Windows with bullet-proof glass.
Please call the windows police. Ive caught another gpf.
The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 0.
This tagline does not require Micro$oft Windows.
Turn your 486 into an XT–just add Windows!
Welcome to Hell! Heres your copy of Windows!
Why look thru Windows? Open the door to the future: OS/2
Windows error 000 : No errors found! [CLOSE]
Windows Error: 004 – Operator fell asleep while waiting
Windows is *NOT* a virus. Viruses *DO* something!
Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done.
Windows is the best GUI – It always sticks!
Windows isnt CrippleWare — its Functionally Challenged.
Windows NT Performance, on the next In Search Of
Windows NT: Only 16 megs needed to play Minesweeper!
Windows NT: Vapourware of the desperate and scared.
Windows only crashes itself under OS/2. Not the whole machine.
Windows punts, OS/2 receives. Touchdown!
Windows tip: set BUGS=OFF in your config.sys
Windows would look better with curtains.
Windows-Brain Dead, OS/2-for people who can chew gum and think!
Windows: The answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
Windows: Training wheels for OS/2
Windows: A problem to a solution that was never needed.
Windows: An answer to a question nobody has ever asked.
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN!
Windows: XT emulator for an AT.
Windows? WINDOWS?! Hahahahahehehehehohohoho…
WindowsNT: From the makers of Doublespace
Yuk, what kind of dumb menu system is that? Oh, so that is Windows!
Chicago only promises what OS/2 DELIVERS!
Chicago runs best on a VCR.
Chicago, an operating system Pair-of-Dimes shift!
Chicago… The biggest thing since New Coke!
Chicago: NT deja vu!
Chicago? Been There,… Done That 2 Years Ago! I run OS/2!
Chicago? Been there. Im ready to travel at WARP speed!
640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981
I believe OS/2…to be the most important OS…of all time Gates 87
OS/2 is destined to be the most important OS. . . Bill Gates
OS/2 is the operating system of the 90s – Bill Gates
Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
B.Gates : quality software :: R.McDonald : gourmet cuisine
If you cant make it good, make it LOOK good. …Bill Gates.
It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it! –Bill Gates
OS/2: Opens Windows, Shuts up GATES…
Does Microsoft mean small and limp?
If at first you dont succeed, work for Microsoft.
Microsoft gives you Windows… OS/2 gives you the whole house.
The Microsoft Motto: Were the leaders, wait for us!
MS-DOS: celebrating ten years of obsolescence

If Microsoft was jewish …

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, your PC would get Ferklempt.
Year 2000 issues are replaced by Year 5760-5761 issues.
Hanukkah screen savers will have Flying Dreidels.
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
Your Start button would be replaced with a Lets go! Im not getting any younger! button.
Abort, Retry, Ignore would be replaced with Stop it already – Youre killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didnt hear that!.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to Remove the cable from your PCs tuchis.
Your multimedia player would be renamed to Nu, so play my music already!.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.
You would hear the tune Hava Nagila during startup.
Microsoft Office would include A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running scandisk, you will be prompted with a You vant I should fix this? message.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!.
A monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the schmutz on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go Schloffen.
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

Its time to turn off your computer when…

…you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

…you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.

…you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved-one.

…you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

…you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

…you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

…you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).

…you find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor.com

…you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

…you cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.

…you check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.

…you dont know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.

…you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

…you tell the cab driver to take you to http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.

…you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, sure. The next thing I hear is, Hey, where do you put the coffee? I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.



Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.



Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, What on

earth are blind people doing DRIVING???



Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to rightsizing, our manager spoke up and said, This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often. Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.



Sighting #5:

I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.



Sighting #6 (a rare double sighting):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font theyd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.



Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support:

How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Induhvidual:

Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?



Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Induhvidual:

Now what do I do?

Tech Support:

What is the prompt on the screen?

Induhvidual:

Its asking for Enter Your Last Name.

Tech Support:

Okay, so type in your last name.

Induhvidual:

How do you spell that?

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, boasts Gates, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour, says Gates.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50, he continues.

In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.

Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders XP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders XP
tiperiter………..a word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
outhouse paper …..notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
iner-net…………Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2……………..M/S accounting software with hidden files

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off…

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you dont want to know, dont need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty – only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and
place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms,
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of
tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing
about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into
groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same
name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them
believe they arrived.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition
of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If
you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
screen. It reads Winders 98 with a background picture of the General
Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy
Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My
Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is
called Good Ol Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them
little ole plastic disc thangs.

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape. Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.

Translations of some of the commands and terms used in Winders 98

OKats aww-right
cancelhail no
resetaw shoot
yesshore
noNaaaa
findhunt-fer it
go toover yonder
backback yonder
helphep me out here
stopternit off
startcrank it up
settingssittins
programsstuff at does stuff
documentsstuff I done done

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98

tiperiterA word processor
colering booka graphics program
addin mershenecalculator
outhouse paper notepad
jupe-boxCD Player
inner-netMicrosoft Explorer
pichersA graphics viewer
IRSM/S accounting software
IRS2M/S accounting software

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.

Bill replied, Well, whats the difference between the two?

St. Peter: Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Bill: Fine, but where should I go first?

St. Peter: Ill leave that up to you.

Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!

Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.

Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going? he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?

That was a demo, replied St. Peter.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.