Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows XP. Im going to do something Ive never done before . . . Im going to let you decide where you want to go.

So whats the difference between the two? Bill asked. St. Peter said, I could let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Fine! Where should I go first? You decide. Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is Hell, Id REALLY like to see Heaven!

Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didnt take long for Bill to reach his decision.

I think I prefer Hell, he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

Hows everything going? he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?

Oh, that was a demo, replied St. Peter. This is the release version.

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go!Bill replied, Well, thanks, God. Whats the difference between the two?God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision. Fine, but where should I go first? God said, Im going to leave that up to you. Bill said, OK, then, lets try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell.It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. This is great! he told God, If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven! Fine, said God and off they went.Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. Hmm, I think I prefer Hell he told God. Fine, retorted God, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going, Bill? God asked.Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, This is awful, this is not what I expected. I cant believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that its a real easy game. He explains,I ask a question and if you dont know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I dont know the answer Ill pay you $5. Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, O.K., if you dont know the answer you pay me $5 and if I dont know the answer I pay you $50! Now, that got the Engineers attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? Then Engineer doesnt say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four? The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, Well whats the answer to the question? Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: You then enter: . If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these are for future menu items. However, the tray is so large that it will only fit in the largest industrial ovens, forcing many users to upgrade.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Users get excited about having veggies with their Microsoft dinners, often telling their friends about it, as though this were something new. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 1998. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

We have discovered a site where a beta version has been made available, however there have been reports this has a minor bug: Inserting this in to anything but a Microsoft compatible oven has resulted in an explosion rivaling that of a small stategic nuclear device. We strongly suggest that people wait for the beta 2.0 version to be released. We understand that this will undergo tests at the Aberdeen Proving Ground and White Sands New Mexico before release.

We have received reports however, that these Microsoft compatible ovens *also* have a flaw: Any user standing within 10 feet runs the risk of being rendered sterile. There have also been unverified reports that the production cost of these ovens has been subsidized by a certain church and also Planned Parenthood.

Weve been told that the effect can be reversed by hitting the Ctrl, Esc and Uninstall buttons simultaneously. We havent tried this. Our calls to the Microsoft Helpline about these incidents have met with the reply: We dont build em, so we cant supply technical support.

The box for the TV dinners is so large that it will not fit in many smaller freezers, and the shape prevents the storage of any other brand of dinners. Microsoft dinners are often not compatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self defrost. Calling Microsoft Help will elicit the explanation that your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Jennifer Allyson Hanly
Portland State University

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

The man below says: Yes youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.

You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist.

I do, replies the man. How did you know?

Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its of no use to anyone.

The man below says, You must work in business as a manager. I do, replies the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, says the man, you dont know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met but now its my fault.

Log on – Adding a log to your wood stove

Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington – January 4, 1995 – In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named Bob immediately select new first names.

I dont know where these rumors come from, commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. Its ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We wont, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them.

Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost.

The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.

Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. Were being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark, said Bill Newkom, Microsofts Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsofts trademark and obviously cant be allowed.

Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead.

Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. Shes gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your software.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams A-colon backslash enter insert!
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guys behind

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:

______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

______________________________________________________

______________________________________________________

____________________________-_________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure youve read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain youve read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If Yes then why cant you fix the problem yourself?

______________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

______________________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

______________________________________________________

17. If nothing explain why you were logged in.

______________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you arent imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?

_____________________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood.

_____________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Cant you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__