If Microsoft made TV Dinners (longer version)

You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: You then enter: . If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these are for future menu items. However, the tray is so large that it will only fit in the largest industrial ovens, forcing many users to upgrade.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Users get excited about having veggies with their Microsoft dinners, often telling their friends about it, as though this were something new. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 1998. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

We have discovered a site where a beta version has been made available, however there have been reports this has a minor bug: Inserting this in to anything but a Microsoft compatible oven has resulted in an explosion rivaling that of a small stategic nuclear device. We strongly suggest that people wait for the beta 2.0 version to be released. We understand that this will undergo tests at the Aberdeen Proving Ground and White Sands New Mexico before release.

We have received reports however, that these Microsoft compatible ovens *also* have a flaw: Any user standing within 10 feet runs the risk of being rendered sterile. There have also been unverified reports that the production cost of these ovens has been subsidized by a certain church and also Planned Parenthood.

Weve been told that the effect can be reversed by hitting the Ctrl, Esc and Uninstall buttons simultaneously. We havent tried this. Our calls to the Microsoft Helpline about these incidents have met with the reply: We dont build em, so we cant supply technical support.

The box for the TV dinners is so large that it will not fit in many smaller freezers, and the shape prevents the storage of any other brand of dinners. Microsoft dinners are often not compatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self defrost. Calling Microsoft Help will elicit the explanation that your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Jennifer Allyson Hanly
Portland State University

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