If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The cars occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

I know, said the Branch Manager, Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.

No, no, said the Hardware Engineer, That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. Ive got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.

Well, said the Software Engineer, Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.

IBM: Itll Be Messy

1. After sending someone an email, you phone to tell that someone that youve sent them an email.
2. All your bookmarks are tech support sites.
3. Look at your email address. Does it end in aol.com?
4. You keep forgetting which side of the mouse you use to right-click.
5. When your computer freezes, and someone tells you to turn up the heat in the room, you actually do it.

You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes.
–Programmers axiom

Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you
planned. –Programmers axiom

Its never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble, its the
personalities and the politics. –Programmers saying

Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint.
–Programmers spouses saying

Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to
produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger
idiots. –Software engineers saying

So far the Universe is winning.
–Applications programmers
saying

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering
iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
–Computer saying

You cant do just one thing.
–Campbells Law of everything

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
–Murphys law #1024

…and sometimes the real trick is telling the difference.
–Murphys law #1024a

Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address.
–Programmers saying

If you eat
a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day
long.
–California saying

To you or the toad? –Nivens restatement of
California saying

…well, most of the time, anyway.
–Programmers caveat to
Nivens restatement of
California saying

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

[To the tune of American Pie]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy theyd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I cant remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.

Well for two days weve been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But thats not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla…was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts hed gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He cant be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for Good Times
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyers fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW youre raking in the bucks
Cause Im reading alt.aol-sucks.

Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot.

If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord…
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devils only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No Welcome born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amerca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and its working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying thisll be the day that they die.
Thisll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if shed stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away…

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouks ghost
They couldnt dial up the host
The day the service died.

REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the Cool User Program for Windows 95. To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.

We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95, explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. We have chosen the state of Utah, stated Microsoft,because nobody lives there, anyway. Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsofts Cool User program. Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months, said a source who asked not to be identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsofts plan as a bold, innovative move. In columnist Michael S. Browns opinion column M.S. Brown Knows which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time. Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if Windows NT didnt completely replace DOS in six months he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that I didnt say *which* six months.

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.

IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

Well, she said. The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.

The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.

The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.