—==( Forwards beamed into deep space )==—

Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) What the hell is Microsoft?

(Data turns to answer.) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

Seems applicable to most any largish corporation…
[Ed: This is quite long, but I enjoyed it.]

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

Another fine item from the minds of Intel engineers with a tad too much time on their hands:

Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95

Try to fix all the other Windows stuff that aint working.
Buy stock in the company thatll be making all those (96) stickers.
Tease Microsoft for not having a great code name like OS/2 does.
Move to Seattle to save money on support calls and hear Frasier every morning to boot.
Think up some more theyll have a version for it soon excuses.
E-mail technet@microsoft.com every day asking Is it done yet?
Lobby to get name changed to BOB – Profesional Edition.
Corner local Prozac and Mountain Dew markets, ransom to Microsoft development staff.
Consider renaming all in-house applications to something 95 to avoid deadlines.
Quit job, become sanitation engineer with decent pay and can-eat benefits.

I used to be smug about the Y2K problem even though it was definitely a problem with 100% probability of occurrence. But then I got to thinking about chaos theory and what really causes big problems and disasters. Its the little unexpected things. For example, a barge strikes a bridge causing a train to fall into the water. Who would have predicted that?

So, heres what you really need to watch out for in 1999:

El Kabong. We all know about the problems caused by El Nino and La Nina. No one expects them both to occur simultaneously! They say its impossible. Ergo, what do you suppose will happen? Both El Nino and La Nina at the same time. I call it El Kabong! It turns out to be the greatest natural disaster in modern time – but wait, there is finally some good news …

Due to the change to the Euro-dollar, a software glitch introduced by a Y2K date fix prevents a stock market meltdown. Investors would have been saved billions when what was just a 1-day panic was suddenly halted as the stock markets computers crashed. However, a ruling by a Canadian judge forces the glitch to be removed since the comment describing the fix code was not written in both English and French. The panic is re-introduced and the worlds markets are all thrown into the deepest depression of all time, until …

An exceedingly enormous comet is found to be heading to impact the earth within 6 months. Markets recover as governments spend zillions on the problem until its determined that the comet is so huge its impossible to stop! Just as panic and street violence strike every nation, …

Aliens arrive to plunder the earth. No, not illegal aliens. Aliens from UFOs. They say resistance is futile since they have also seen the comet which is coming to wipe us out. Since were not going to be here to use it anyway, they just want to salvage as much of our resources as they can. That is until they meet …

Bill Gates (who having seen the comets approach has stopped all work on the Y2K fix) sells all his remaining stock and control of Microsoft to the aliens, thereby becoming the riches man in the world for the next 3 months. In a final triumph of his newly found wealth, Bill buys up every computer running Linux and has them dropped one by one from the towers of the recently acquired World Trade Center.

In the earths last desperate days, further panic is spurred by the scarcity of gold when it is revealed by Ken Starr that the president has made a deal with the aliens to buy the worlds remaining supply from the newly merged giant Exxon – Mobile – Microsoft – GM – REED – QVC – AOL – Shopping Channel.com.

The worlds dwindling food supply goes for sale on ebay and is purchased in its entirety by the aliens whose super-fast computers (now crash-proof having installed the final service release (SR 187.342) to Windows 95) win all the auctions.

In the final minutes before the earths obliteration, the gargantuan alien craft with much of the worlds wealth departs for its home galaxy. Unfortunately, as the craft switches from earth-based to its home-world interstellar systems, the date functions for their year 2 million (Y2M) cause the Microsoft Y2K fixes to fail. The ship is drawn into the comets path and is totally obliterated. Serendipitously, an immense energy shockwave transports the comet into another dimension where it continues harmlessly.

Thus the earth would be saved had the heat from the same energy shockwave which transported the comet not burned away all the earths atmosphere.

Now, youre probably saying to yourself That could not happen. Thats what they say about every bridge that collapses, about every Titanic that sinks, about every medicine with harmful side effects, about every president who tries to avoid impeachment.

Think of your children! You cant afford not to be prepared?

Send $0.25 for my original brochure: How to prepare for the coming Comet – Alien Invasion – Bill Gates – Y2K – Market Collapse. (Include $99.75 for shipping & handling.)

Do it today, cause Ill have it written by the time your order arrives!

And if you dont believe it, just ask me, Ill tell you for sure its true.

(by Howard V. Carson, January, 1999)

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that. The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that! The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be, when I finally get it…

Terry Randle virus: Prints Oh no you dont whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Dern Contraption
Dial up Networking is called Good Ol Boys
Control Panel is known as the The Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4- Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ol plastic disc thangs
Instead of an error message a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program
Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator
outhouse paper . . . . notepad
iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0
pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all yall!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho