Q: What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

A: Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly

Its wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she look one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

Clearly its not the life I had before, but I laugh just as much.
O.J. Simpson during his ESPN interview on Thursday (15 Jan. 1998)
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
So, does this prove once and for all that size does matter?
Golden Globe Award-winning director James Cameron (18 Jan. 1998), whose film Titanic is the most expensive in Hollywood history.
…Ive always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why toxic waste should be exported to Third World countries
We regret the incident but will not press charges…. [Bill] commented that one of the worst things about his whole thing was that the pie wasnt that tasty.
Erin Brewer, spokesman for Microsofts Belgian office, after company chief Bill Gates was struck squarely in the face with a pie upon arrival at a meeting Wednesday (4 Feb. 1998) with business and government leaders in Brussels. Notorious prankster Noel Godin, who has previously targeted such celebrities as French film maker Jean-Luc Godard and actress Brigitte Bardot, claimed responsibility. This was a victory for us. We will continue to send our burlesque messages, said Godin, adding, Our secret is our number. Theres about 30 of us and we operate in very small groups. Two were arrested but later released when Microsoft declined to press charges.
Im proud of my son. I think that spanking paid off, made a man out of him.
Vannie Maud Starr, mother of Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

John Bobbit Virus–

Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

•Oprah Winfrey Virus–

Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

•Politically Correct Virus–

Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism.

•Right to Life Virus–

Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

•Government Economist Virus–

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

•Federal Bureaucrat Virus–

Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

•AT&T Virus–

Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

•MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

•Sprint Virus–

Every 3 minutes it tells you that its better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

•PBS Virus–

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

•Health Care Virus–

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

•New York Jets Virus–

Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

•LAPD Virus–

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defense.

•O.J. Virus–

Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

•Ross Perot Virus–

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

•Ted Turner Virus–

Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

•Dan Quayle Virus–

Their is sumthing rong wit yourre komputer, we jsut cant figyour out watt.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that its a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. Shes finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features shed like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A Yes Ill cook, clean etc. button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Youd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesnt work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing–all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that wont run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

If you do, heres a preview of the READ ME FIRST page

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the worlds #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsofts previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). Youll notice immediately that

• 98 is a higher number than 95
• a better than 3 percent increase.

But thats not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).

Among the improvements:

• faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
• enhanced Caps Lock and back-space functionality,
• smoother handling,
• less knocking and pinging,
• an easy-to-follow 720-page Users Guide,

  and

• rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.

Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. Were betting that youll never use another companys software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the worlds most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether its the one produced by the worlds largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the Options folder, click on the time bomb icon, and select Load Inferior Browser. A dialog box will ask Are you sure? Click yes. This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages – just keep clicking yes.

Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. Youll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb runs out and the screen explodes. If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed – permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the Year 2000 computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you wont have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the softwares internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as Satsun, and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called Bill and Melissa. Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether its your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

Weve done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if youre having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we dont hear from you, well assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. Well also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).

Microsoft denies link to loss of programmers

While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C.

Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE.

Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, This is BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected, We cant trap every error a user may make, and Any one who uses undocumented calls is on their own!

Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be addressed before release 2.0. So far, we have not received a single bug report from a Beta tester experiencing this problem, so we do not see this as a critical market issue.

Originally from Dave Coble
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