9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

Soon available at checkout counters everywhere:

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, Me Too.

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the Me Toos and happily add, Me Three!

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

If Microsoft Built Cars…



1. A particular model year of car wouldnt be available until after that year instead of before it.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, youd have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and youd have to restart it. For some strange reason, youd just accept this.



4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then youd have to buy more seats.



5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast – but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.



6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.



7. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.



8. Wed all have to switch to Microsoft gas.



9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.



10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

-USA Today: WERE DEAD





-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS





-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN





-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE





-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE





-Victorias Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE





-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER





-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING





-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR





-Readers Digest: BYE





-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?





-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!





-Ladys Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!





-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.



Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE





-Microsofts Web Site: IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, & Jerry sanders (CEOs of Microsoft, Intel & AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise was suddenly emitted from where Bill was sitting.

Bill said : Oh! thats my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call.: So Bill lifted his wrist-watch to his ear and began talking into the end of his tie. Having completed the call, he noticed the others were staring at him. So Bill explained : Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can take a call anywhere. The others nodded, and the meeting continued.

5 min later, the discussion was again interrupted when this time round, from Andy started a beeping sound. Oh thats my emergency beeper he said. Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call. Andy tapped his earlobe and began talking into thin air. When he completed the call, he noticed the others staring at him and thus explained, I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is embedded in this fake tooth, isnt that neat?

The others nodded and the meeting continue. Later still, the discussion was again interrupted when Jerry emitted a thunderous fart. He looked up at the others staring at him and said, Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper….. Im receiving a FAX.

IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) – Senate Majority Leader Ray
Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order
Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers,
saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the
American economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda –
once a key figure in the information technology industry – claimed
American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new
browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no
longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. We
have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of
downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the
technological Joneses, Noorda said.
Noordas comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of
its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio
from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial,
while versions 408-441 are in development. (Microsoft, which has been
criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race,
vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer before the next
major religious holiday, though company spokesman Jim Manzi de-clined
to specify which religion the company was referring to.) Mark Gibbs,
author of IDG Books bestselling Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies, said
the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted
development of new applications. How can you build to a platform that
only lasts 51 days? asked Gibbs. The only apps being developed now
are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets.
According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user
now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the
usefulness of the desktop machine because each browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the
touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at
least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
There is no capacity left to run any other application, said IDC Chief
Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. Our PCs, in essence, are simply
containers for browsers.
In the late 1990s, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less-
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed
on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died
with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the
800M- byte storage requirement and supported some 250,000 ActiveX
Controls.
Its a shame, really, said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who was
a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. We could have
been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But Bill
outmanuevered us again, added Big Larry Ellison, who now runs
the Used Cars R Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.
In response to Noordas call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site
(www.bookem.com). We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter
of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers.
(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396.)

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code

Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Spring 1996

*/

#include stdio.h
#include dos.h
#include conio.h
#include win31.h
#include evenmore.h
#include oldstuff.h
#include billrulz.h

/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99281-95
from: William H. Gates III
to: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project

William H. Gates III wrote:
I have serious doubts about the EASY
installation-definition.
It might prevent customers to think that they actually
bought something _good_. Therefore I want the
installation-definition to be HARD.

Carry on,
Bill

*/
#define INSTALL = HARD

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if(first_time_installation)
{ make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if(still_not_crashed)
{ display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

/*
Reference:
Internal memo: #99683-95
from: Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
to: William H. Gates III

Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:

Dear Sir,
Since we have found that this last piece of code
within the if-statement will never execute, we
descided NOT to include it in the final code.
This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes
of consumer-diskspace!

Thank you for listening to us,
the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project

*/
/* if(still_not_crashed) {
write_cheer();
finished();
}
*/ create_general_protection_fault();
}

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.



The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.



And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying Dont worry, itll be up any minute now….