Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:

* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?

* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.



Guess which has occured?

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned



Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?

Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename

Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence OS2 Prohibited

Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors

Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered

Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement

Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time

Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found

Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize

Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors

Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead

Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN

Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated

Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down

Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue

Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted

Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence

Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused

Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations

Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue

Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted

Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.

Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota

Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here

Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait….

Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember

Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error

Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:



Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)

This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.

To shut down your system, type WIN.

BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)

Welcome to Microsofts World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have security?

Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. Word has detected that you dont wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesnt pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:



Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, Id like a Big Mac.



Cashier: Okay, heres your Big Mac and heres your Coke. Thatll be $3.99.



Joe: Uh, I dont want a Coke.



Cashier: Sorry, theyre bundled.



Joe: What? Im not paying for a Coke!



Cashier: You dont; the Coke is free.



Joe: But wasnt a Big Mac $2.49 last week?



Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. Its got integrated Coke!



Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street… Im not going to drink the Coke.



Cashier: Then you cant have the burger.



Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.



Cashier: Oh, you cant do that. Theyre seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.



Joe: How can that be? Theyre two totally separate things!



Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?



Joe: Why did you just do that?!



Cashier: Its a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise youd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way youre assured of continuous taste across all your foods.



Joe: Aaarrgh!

Bill Gates compares the computer industry with General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:





For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.



Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.



Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.



The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.



New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.



The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.



GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.



Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.

Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.

Microsoft:



YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?



Yes.



ARE YOU REALLY SURE?



Yes.



ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?



*****yes!******



OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WERE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE ANTI-TRUST NONSENSE. INGRATE.



Just get on with it.



ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.



Groan.



THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.



Problems? What problems?



THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.



But Im using it at this very moment.



THAT IS IRRELEVANT.



But if the video card isnt working with the mother board then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt…



DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.



All that?



YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DONT LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.



Well what *DOES* work?



THE MOUSE.



The mouse?



YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.



I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.



YES YOU DO.



No I dont.



WHATS THAT THEN?



Its a 3 1/2 drive.



NO IT ISNT.



Yes it is.



YOURE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.



Look, can you just install XP on my system and Ill download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?



WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?



Well it is mine.



NO IT ISNT.



It bloody well is.



NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. ITS OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.



But why?



BECAUSE THATS HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CANT VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? ILL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THATS WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOURE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHATS ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOURE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….



C:>

Microsoft:



YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?



Yes.



ARE YOU REALLY SURE?



Yes.



ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?



*****yes!******



OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WERE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE ANTI-TRUST NONSENSE. INGRATE.



Just get on with it.



ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.



Groan.



THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.



Problems? What problems?



THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.



But Im using it at this very moment.



THAT IS IRRELEVANT.



But if the video card isnt working with the mother board then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt…



DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.



All that?



YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DONT LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.



Well what *DOES* work?



THE MOUSE.



The mouse?



YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.



I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.



YES YOU DO.



No I dont.



WHATS THAT THEN?



Its a 3 1/2 drive.



NO IT ISNT.



Yes it is.



YOURE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.



Look, can you just install XP on my system and Ill download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?



WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?



Well it is mine.



NO IT ISNT.



It bloody well is.



NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. ITS OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.



But why?



BECAUSE THATS HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CANT VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? ILL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THATS WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOURE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHATS ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOURE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….



C:>