News just in of Microsofts latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.



The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.



While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.



OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.



At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.



DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.



CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.



Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.

Mac – Big Bobs favorite fast food.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computers involvement in other computers affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Quotes about computers and software and other things
—————————————————-
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA

Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things.
–Doug Gwyn

Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen.
— Edward V. Berard, Life-Cycle Approaches

True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once youve turned the light on everyone can see……….
– unknown

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot
– Rich Julius

The C Programming Language – A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

Pascal – A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I havent lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!

PROGRAM – n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn
ones input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime
similar to banging ones head against a wall, but with fewer
opportunities for reward.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a dog.
– cartoon in the New Yorker

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it.
Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

PCMCIA – People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
— Rich Cook

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
— Bjarne Stroustrup

Ive never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, Id kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
— Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement
and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
— FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
— E. W. Dijkstra

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
— Dijkstra

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
— Joshua Heller

The Internet is mightier than the pen.

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and
low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born
relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the
crust to be absent — not because I wanted to know the answer, but because
I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular
case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsars
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error.
I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
— George Greenstein,
Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars

A system admins life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
new versions of their own innards!
— Michael OBrien

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.

The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that.

The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be when I get it.

PCMCIA People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing



APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity



SCSI System Cant See It



DOS Defective Operating System



BASIC Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control



IBM I Blame Microsoft



DEC Do Expect Cuts



CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months



OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.



WWW World Wide Wait



MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs



PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics



COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language



AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction



LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis



MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed



WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System



GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out



MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open
their pay envelopes and find, This paycheck intentionally left
blank.

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)How About Friday? My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me. (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)We recently received a memo from senior management saying: This is to

[Ed: Edited from an article on The humour interface project ]

The group shared their favorites. Windows that crack or melt into a
slag heap. The MacIntosh IBM DOS emulator that, when fired up,
begins to put up a zippy MacIntosh screen, stops halfway down the
screen to declare, Oops? Sorry. You wanted 1950s technology. It
then goes into command line mode. The supposed unused ROM hook in
the Mac that would have caused a monkey to dance across the screen
ONCE upon the 7698th (or whatever) boot of the machine. Insects
crawling around the screen.

As you read this, project programmers in ski-masks are already coding
up:

ELUSIVE MENU: When the mouse cursor enters such menus, the menus
dodge away while insulting the user with appropriate language and
gestures. Somebody informed us this is just like the Mac Bomb
program.

CRASHING WINDOWS: You begin to move a window. Suddenly it
accelerates out of your control up toward the corner of the screen.
When it reaches the corner, it smashes to pieces, falling to the
bottom of the screen. Appropriate sounds effects are heard. Email
is sent to the site manager blaming you for the broken window.

AEROBIC WINDOWS: You begin to move a window and suddenly it
accelerates out of your control bouncing around the screen faster
and faster. It finally slows down an sits on your screen off in the
direction you were moving it, but huffing and puffing, sort of
expanding in and out. You begin working again, its breathing slows
and stops after a few moments.

PEOPLE INSIDE THE MONITOR: You get an error. A large face leans in
from the left, gives you a Lettermanesque look, like hes got a
horrible flavor on his tongue, and then leans back out of the
monitor.

GIGANTIC SCREEN-FILLING BODY PART MOUSE CURSOR ICONS: You can move
them no more than a half inch in each direction. Need the
Interface-esE liberation Army say more?

will@mcc.com

publicist for The Humor Interface Project,
Alias Humor In Your Face, Humid Interface And Interface-Ese
liberation Army (EYEEE-EEE-AHHH…)

REDMOND (BNN) – World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means, said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. Not that Im anti-government he continued, but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire.

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation.

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. Weve tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they dont work, said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of constructive engagement with Microsoft.

Microsofts Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsofts recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire kilograms of weapons grade plutonium in the deal, said Myrhvold, but weve finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob. Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor, said Myrhvold, but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve.

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips put out more heat than they draw in electrical power said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion.

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. Theyre doing all of the development work in Java, said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment.

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apples Newton technology against Microsoft. Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years, said one hardware engineer. Id hate to be around when they drop that product a second time.

posted on 14 May 1998

Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.