WinErr 001: Windows loaded – System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error – Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted – System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error – Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered – God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space – Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed – Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open – Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open – Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed – Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error – Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error – System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten – Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes – Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory – Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manuals Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse

My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption

Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys

Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard

Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive

Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.



Other features:

OK = ats aww-right

cancel = hail no

reset = awa shoot

yes D shore

no = naaaaa

find = hunt-fer it

go to = over yonder

help = hep me out here

stop = ternit off

start = crank it up

settings = sittins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = stuff I done done



Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.



Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:

tiperiter = a word processor

colering book = a graphics program

addin mershene = calculator

scratch paper = notepad

jupe-box = CD player

inner-net = microsoft explorer

pichers = a graphics viewer

IRS = M/S accounting software

IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files

coon dog = American Kennel Club records

fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records

NRA = National Rifle Association

shot gun = Remington arms price list

riffel = Winchester price list

pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list

truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code

house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code

car = same as truck

cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)

tax records = usually an empty file

shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)

bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code

racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code

doc = vetrinarians by zip code



We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.

Very well, then, says God, let us see if Jesus fared any better.

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus program is intact! How did he do it?

God chuckles, Jesus saves.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?

12. 1st Person: Do you know anything about this fax-machine? 2nd Person: A little. Whats wrong? 1st Person: Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened. 2nd Person: How did you load the sheet? 1st Person: Its a pretty sensitive memo, and I didnt want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.

13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support? Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? Tech: Im sorry, but did you say a cup holder? Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer. Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, Its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? Caller: It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it.

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldnt stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as She or Her. But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as HE because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. 5. Size does matter.The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as SHE because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft





Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support.

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?



Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup. Try

eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.



Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What

kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!



Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration

problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to

do with the fly in my soup?!



Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you

noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!



Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup

of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.



Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.

Im running late now.



[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup

and the check]



Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.



[waiter leaves.]



Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!



The check:



Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

IBM: I Believe in Memorex