During a get-together
at my sons house, he had prepared quite a feast. In spite of the extra

pounds Id gained the previous winter, I forged ahead and loaded my plate.
"Dad !" he said, eyeing my repast, "I thought you were
on a diet."
"I am!" I replied, "But I need all of this to give me
the strength to go on."

Have you heard
of the NO-CARB Diet for 2004?
NO C-heney

NO A-shcroft

NO R-umsfeld

NO B-ush
and absolutely NO RICE!

This 85 year old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest
in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"Its free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peters reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This
is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"

He was
only a chocolate chip cookie…

…but I loved him.
I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet….a loner;
the last one on the plate. He had a certain something…a sweetness, a
sensuality. He was one hot cookie. I felt as if Id always known him…hungered
for him.
When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I
knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him…in public. After that
night, we were inseparable. With him I could be myself. He didnt seem
to care what mood I was in, how I looked or even if I gained weight. Together
we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip.
THEN THINGS CHANGED
My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn.
I felt crummy, but it had to end. Now weve gone our separate ways. I
hardly think of him anymore. Oh, if I see a certain TV commercial, a particular
magazine ad, a coupon for money off…that old longing returns. And when
we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. Were friendly.But
its OVER!

Ive developed
halitosis

My urine is rank and yellow

Yet Im a happy fellow

In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,

Deviled eggs and cheese

Make no mistake:

Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away

A few each energetic day

Will it be the Boston Marathon

Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin

And Im down to one chin

I feel eighteen again

No pain, yet I dont gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,

And making me lean

Once a major carb freak,

Now Im getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop

But you made me stop

All those other diets are a crock

And Im in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse

But I feel like Mr. Universe

And I had to tell somebody

About my new body.

Weve got the
Atkins diet, the South Beach diet and the Jenny Craig diet. Id like to
introduce an even cheaper and more effective diet, the COSTCO diet! Its
cost effective and easy to do even on your busiest shopping day. Heres
how it works.
Start by making a grocery list of 10 or more items and then head to your
local COSTCO or similar warehouse store. When you get there, carefully
tear your list into strips and put all the strips in your pocket. Grab
a shopping cart and youre ready to go!
Pull out the first strip and make your way all the way across the store
to that item. As you trek through the store, you will see vendors giving
out free food samples. As you pass the third one, take a sample of what
ever they are selling. Repeat with each strip of paper until you have
finished your shopping. By the time you are finished, you will have eaten
5 to 10 samples and will have walked at least 5 miles.
There are several important points to remember;
1) There is a law of nature that says, "Whatever you look for in
COSTCO will be on the opposite side of the warehouse." This ensures
that you will walk far enough to satisfy the American Heart Associations
exercise requirement.
2) Do not skip the melba-toast with cream cheese sample in order to get
the Ben and Jerrys ice cream sample. Its the randomness of the food
selection that guarantees a balanced diet.
3) Do not double dip. Getting two samples from the same vendor at the
same time is NOT acceptable. We know you wont get two samples of fried
squid to make up for it, so dont kid yourself when you grab that second
cup of ice cream.
If you dont have paper to write your shopping list on, you can get a
similarly random list by calling your spouse. "Hi! Im at Costco,
want anything?" will almost always result in half a dozen things
that you just have to buy. Dont forget to pick up a 10 pack of writing
tablets on aisle 10.

"Now there
are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight
people are now average. Which means youve met your New Years resolution."

~ Jay Leno

This is great and
really works, I feel fab now !!
At last a sensible exercise programme to burn off the calories after
that third helping of pudding…
If youre over 25 you might want to take it easy at first, then do it
faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme.

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Thats enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.

A great way to
lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.
Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Im on a seafood
diet…

…when I see food, I eat it.