Every womans Mr. Right?
Download the Diet
Coke spoof movie.( This movie is Mpeg encoded.)

Q: Why
did the dumb man snort Nutri-sweet?

A: He thought it was diet coke.

Monday:
Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste
while brushing your teeth.
Lunch – Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers", those
little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents.
Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop
on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox.
Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner,
dont eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday:
Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in
and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing
it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flashos.

Wednesday:
Breakfast – Jaws couldnt eat Breakfast after a night at El Flashos.

Lunch – Rolaids and a coke
Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday:
Breakfast – Order out for pizza
Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for
leftovers.
Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask
the bartender for olives.

Friday:
Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the
Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and its better for
you.
Lunch – Skip Lunch… Fridays are murder
Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Dont eat the
asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday:
Breakfast – Sleep through it.
Lunch – Ditto
Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat
the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting
your old room.

Self delusion is
pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.

~ Paul Sweeney

Most diets fail
because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those
us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat
Diet! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of
table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The
Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as
a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not
only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what
constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one
bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other
room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost
dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses
or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half
on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you
opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa.
Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought
as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into
the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat
food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen
to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step
into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses
or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on
the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else
to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the
bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure
to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses
or partners pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin
across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.
Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get
hard.

The Government
has issued new guidelines for a healthy diet. They advise you to:
1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or
little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

The doctor told
me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:
Monday:

Beat around the bush.

Jump to conclusions.

Climb the walls.

Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:

Drag my heels.

Push my luck.

Make mountains out of mole hills.

Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:

Bend over backwards.

Jump on the band wagon.

Balance the books.

Run around in circles.
Thursday:

Toot my own horn.

Climb the ladder of success.

Pull out the stops.

Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:

Open a can of worms.

Put my foot in my mouth.

Start the ball rolling.

Go over the edge.
Saturday:

Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout!

My appetite is
my shepherd, I always want.

It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.

It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,

Sometimes during the night.

It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.

It destroyeth my shape.

Yea, though I knoweth I gain I will not stop eating,

For the food tasteth so good.

The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.

When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.

For I knoweth that I soon shall dig in.

As I filleth my plate continuously,

My clothes runneth smaller.

Surely bulges and flabbiness shall follow me

All the days of my life.

And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

Lets eat!

"My wife is
a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts to eat."

~ Henny Youngman