Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.

Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, Nope, I dont think Id like that kind of punishment. So they go on to the next room.

There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, hes lowered again. uh-uh! says Clinton. Thats not for me.

Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says OK, if I have to be punished forever, Ill go for that way.

Satan says, Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!

A man visits his doctor. I think I have a problem, doc, said the patient. One of my testicles has turned blue.

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didnt have his testicle removed.

Are you crazy?! exclaimed the patient, How could I let you do such a thing to me?

Do you want to die?, asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.

Doc, I dont know how to say this, but the other testicle has turned blue too.

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.

Hey, do you want to die?, asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course he did not want to hear about it.

You really want to die?, asked the doctor.

But … how do I pee?

Well install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctors office. He is very angry.

Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue.

What?

Can you tell me what a hell is happening?

So, the doctor examined the patient, VERY carefully this time, and says, Hmmmm, I think it might be the jeans …

The Sardarji Doctor to his patient: Its very important that you
take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain.

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.

Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.

But what about the smell? the friend asked.

Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 50 years!

The doctors reply was, Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time. The Pope exclaimed But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isnt going away!

The doctor replied You have two options… either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.

The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?

Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, Ill lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peters, with the offending camera around his neck.

Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

Very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, says the man, how much you pay for it?

Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie, he replies, I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.

Ah, says the Japanese gentleman, look like someone saw you coming!

Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.

Pamela is outraged. She screams, What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I dont?!!!

Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked, The minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, Id rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, I didnt know there was a choice.

This old lady walks into the Doctors office and says, Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. Its not really a social problem, because you cant smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.

The Doctor nods his head and says, Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.

The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still cant hear them, but now they smell horrible!

The Doctor again nods his head and says, Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now lets work on your hearing.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, This is phenomenal. Youve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, wed hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and were afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. Im sorry….we cant hire you.

But wait, he said. If I take two aspirin, Ill stop winking!

Really? Great! Show me!

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

Well, said the interviewer, thats all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!

Womanizing? What do you mean? Im a happily married man!

Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?

Oh, that, he sighed. Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

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