There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Alrght, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, Hey, whatcha doin with that pig?

Thats not a pig, you stupid ass! she said coldly. Thats a duck.

The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.

This man is suffering from extreme headaches so he
goes to his doctor.

Man: Doctor I seem to be having these bad headaches
and nothing I do seems to cure them.

Doctor: Well, one thing I always do to relieve my
headaches is put my head between my
wifes tits and go prrrrrrrrrrrr with my lips.
(Try to imagine the sound)

Man: Thanks doc, I think Ill try it.

Two weeks pass and the man goes back to his doctor.

Doctor: Well, have your headaches cleared up?

Man: They sure have. I tried what you said.
And by the way I love the wall paper in your
home!

P & J (The wanderer and Shakes)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldnt help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins, then she moved under one that read Sloans Liniments remove Swelling. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read William Stick Did The Trick. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.

He won the case.

Doctor, the patient demanded, you have a lot of nerver charing me three hundred fithy dollars just to paint my throat.

What did you want for three hundred fifty dollars? Wallpaper?

This joke is bad taste, you have been warned.

Three vampires walk into a bar on a cold winter night.

They all three sit at the bar and the bartender asks the first vampire

What can I getcha? The 1st vampire says Ill have a beer, please

So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender asks the 2nd vampire What would you like?

The vampire replies A beer please. So, the bartender gets him a beer.

The bartender then asks the 3rd and last vampire Sir, what can I get you? and the 3rd vampire replies A cup of hot water please.

The bartender obliges and asks the vampire, What are you gonna do with that hot water?

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and dips it into his hot water and says Hot tea, its chilly out!

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but
Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair
in places that Ive never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her. A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

On my balls.

Steve Losen
University of Virginia Academic Computing Center

These are actual excuses given by parents of school children:

Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Excuse Helen. She has been under the Doctor.
John was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
Please excuse Patricia from jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Alice for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Vera. She is having problems with her ovals.

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.

The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after hed been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, You know… This is completely unfair.

What do you mean? asks the surgeon.

Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and thats more than I get paid in a year, replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

Thats not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart, says the driver.

Well if thats the case, Ill tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right. replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, Ok. Youre on.

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the drivers hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks hes done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

You know… says the driver, I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. Its $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. Its $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. Its $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but its from a laywer. Its never been used."