Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

Your wife makes a delicious roast, The chief said.

Thanks, his friend said. Im gonna miss her.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctors office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, Doc, what can I do?

The doctor says, I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, Will that cure me, Doc?

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!

How can I ever thank you? gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

My dear woman, Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

Hi is Tony home?

No he went to the store.

Well, you mind if I wait?

No come in.

They sit down and the friend says You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. Id give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell – a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. Ill give you another 100 bucks if I could
just see the both of them together.

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he cant wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says You know your weird friend Chris came over.

Tony thinks about this for a second and says Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?

Doctor, I had a terrible dream last night.

What was that, Mr. Mariotti?

I dreamed that I was at a Miss Universe pageant and was surrounded by spectacularly beautiful girls from all over the world, wearing skimpy bathing suits.

Really? And what was bad about it?

I was Miss Italy.

(I guess you can say it was a bit of a drag).

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.

The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days.

The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.

Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.

He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.

The man asked him what the cream was.

The doctor replied, Just lipstick remover.

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, Im leaving for the crusade.

Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key as Im sure she will have needs

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Stop!

Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.