Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young engineer, fresh out of MIT, And what starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer said, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a new company car leased every two years … perhaps, a red Corvette?

The young engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied,

Yeah, but you started it.

A woman walks into a doctors office and when she sees the person wearing white she says: Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, whats wrong with me?

He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short examination he says: Oh my God, Ive never seen such a thing. Can you wait until I get someone else to see you?

He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs the same examination and reacts: Youre right, but Ive never seen such a thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me whats wrong with me?

They: We dont know, were only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.

One day poor old Lena decided she didnt want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didnt know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.

The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.

Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.

I should be dead! she wailed.

Dont worry, lady, the orderly answered, your knee will mend before you know it!

There was this drunk who said to the bartender, I want a woman! so the bartender gave him directions to a place.

The drunk was so messed up that he couldnt remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctors office.

The lady at the counter asks, Can I help you?

The Drunk says, Yes, I want some service. So the lady replies, Go in the other room and put it on the table.

So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.

The lady comes in and says, Thats not a foot!

The drunk replies, Give it time, lady, Give it time.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, You arent so good in bed either! and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?

I was in bed.

What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?

Getting a second opinion.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* All generalizations are false.

* As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.

* Montana — At least our cows are sane!

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

* Friends dont let friends drive naked.

* I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

* Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!

* Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

* Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.

* Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

* Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.

* Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

* Im out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno, Abe. But lets make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol….

Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?

Yes it is Sol, whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?

Well, says Abe says, I got good news and I got bad news.

Gimme the good news first, says Sol.

Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.

Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?

Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.

The second smiled, Thats nothing he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.

The third grinned and said You two didnt have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.

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