One juror overheard saying to another. . .

Youll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.

The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He
looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,
and walked into the managersrs office, making it clear he
wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, I cant hire a dog
for this job.

The dog pointed to the line: An equal opportunity
employer.

So the manager said, OK, take this letter and type it.
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a
minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted.

The manager said, Alright, heres a problem. Write a
computer program for it and run it.

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.

The manager still wasnt convinced. I still cant hire
you for this position. Youve got to be bilingual.

The dog looked up at the manager and said, Meow.

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?

Billy replies Oh, Father OSullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.

The one in back says to the driver, Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?

The one in front replies: No! It must be the cobblestones!

and then there was…

Two nuns where in the shower.

One says Wheres the soap?

The second says Yes it does doesnt it

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?Nurse: No change yet.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a Panda! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.

Sit down, said the judge. That is the prosecuting attorney.

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!

The captain then called for his first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.

The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, Captain, two pirate ships closing fast! Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.

During the celebration the first-mate asked, Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?

The answer is simple. That way, if Im injured, the crew wont know and they wont lose hope.

Just then the lookout burst through the door, Captain, ten ships closing fast!

First mate, bring me my brown pants!