A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, You arent so good in bed either! and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?

I was in bed.

What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?

Getting a second opinion.

What does HMO stand for?
This is actually a variation of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral
slips, but the result remains the same.
Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
No. Only those you need.
I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But dont worry — the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half
days drive away!
What are pre-existing conditions?
This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to
be pre-stuck with it.
Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
Certainly, as long as they dont require any treatment.
What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
Youll need to find alternative forms of payment.
My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
What should I do?
Poke yourself in the eye.
I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery,
but Id already paid my bill. What should I do?
You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in
one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about,
like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
No, I mean what if Im away from home and I get sick?
You really shouldnt do that. Youll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. Its best to wait until you return, and
then get sick.
I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
Hard to say, but considering that all youre risking is the $10
co-payment, theres no harm giving him a shot at it.
What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Will health care be any different in the next century?
No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Written by David Lubar

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: Oh, I see your attorney lost the case! The defendant answered, No, we won.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe itll work!?

A guy goes into a doctors office with a dead frog on a stick. He goes to the doctor, Doctor, could you inject me with AIDS? Why? said the doctor. Well, the guy goes. When I do it with my girlfriend, shell get it. When she does it with my dad, hell get it. When he does it with my mom, shell get it. And wen the mail man comes and she does it with him, hell get it. But why, said the doctor, and the guy goes, Cause the bitch stepped on my frog!

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Top ten things that sound dirty in law but arent:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isnt:

Think you can get me off?

A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…

Man, Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.

Madam, Are you sure… Im surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.

Man, Its obvious, maam, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until youre perfect at it.

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak …

Father, I am going to marry!

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila … Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl? says the father. What is her name?

OBrien replies the son … Shes Catholic …

Oy! says the father … But are you happy?

Im happy, says the son.

Ok…as long as youre happy … my blessings to you both, replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah …

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, Father… I too will be married soon!

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings Gods praises …

What is her name, implores the father?

Kazalopodopolous, says the son. Shes Greek Orthodox …

Oy, says Moisha … But are you happy?

Im happy, father …

Ok … then you, too, have my blessing, intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl … to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, Father! I am to wed in the spring!

Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME his father immediately demands?

Goldberg! says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! Praise God! Praise the Prophets!

Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, Is she Doctor Goldbergs daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?

No … says Chutzpah.

Hmmm, says Moisha, Must be Attorney Goldbergs daughter Rachel from Hollywood?

Ah … no, father says Chutzpah.

Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?

Whoopi, says Chutzpah.