An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers God Save The Queen and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers Viva La France and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Whats green and flies over Poland?

Peter Panski.

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are when the English man says, You know, my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week and she bought $300 worth of meat, but we dont even have a freezer.

The Scotsman says, Thats nothing. My wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she cant even drive.

The Irishman says, You think thats stupid? I went home last week and my wife told me that shed booked herself a two week holiday in the Caribbean. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesnt even have a penis…

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

• Day 1: The 10 Deadliest Snakes Fall Tour

  You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the worlds 10 most deadly snakes.

• Day 2: The Great White Encounter

  You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

• Day 3: The Aboriginal Festival of Spears

  You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

• Day 4: The Crocodile Dundee Petting Zoo

  You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless saltwater crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

• Day 5: Those Marvelous Morays

  This tour will once again return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!

Your loyal employees.

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In Spanish, for example, this determines whether you use el or la in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few recommendations:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasnt evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but its handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, theres the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female! Consider this: It gives a man pleasure. Hed be lost without it. And while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

One day an old jewish pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb
burn out. To get a new one hell have to stand in line for two hours
at the store (and theyll probably be out by the time he gets there),
so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil
lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.

He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen
better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in
cloud of smoke.

Hoho, Mortal! says the genie, stretching and yawning, For releasing
me I will grant you three wishes.

The old man thinks for a moment, and says, I want Genghis Khan
resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the
Polish border, and then decide he doesnt want the place and march
back home.

No sooner said than done! thunders the genie. Your second wish?

Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his
mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesnt
want the place and march back home.

Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?

I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his —

Okokok. Right. Whats this business about Genghis Khan marching to
Poland and turning around again?

The old man smiles. He has to pass through Russia six times.

Henry Cate III

Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?

Get your face out for the boys…

Q. Why dont polish women use vibrators?

A. It chips their teeth.

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Childs stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Childs death ruins couples holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Why cant Chinese couples have white babies?

Because two Wongs dont make a white!