NB: this reads best out loud.

Two old Jewish gentlemen were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant, and the conversation turned to the status of Jewish communities around the world.

They discussed the plight of Soviet Jewry, and how the break-up of the USSR was making emigration to Israel easier for those Jews. They chatted about Ethiopian Jews, and whether they were really Jewish, considering the differences in their religious practices from that of the Orthodox sect.

They even discussed the problem of intermarriage in American Jews.

Eventually, since they were in a Chinese establishment, the conversation turned to the status of Jews in Asia. One of the gentlemen was certain that there had been a thriving community of Jews in Beijing – and probably still was; but, the other was equally certain that Jews had intermarried in China to the point where they had completely assimilated. Their discussion became quite heated.

Hearing the raised voices, their waiter hurried over. Food OK? he asked.

The meal is fine, replied one of the Jews, but we were arguing about Chinese Jews. Do you have any?

The waiter thought for a moment. Dont know, he admitted. Ask cook. And he vanished into the kitchen.

After a few minutes, he reappeared, frowning. So sorry, he began. Cook say no Chinese Jews.

Before either Jew could say anything, the waiter smiled and continued: Cook say we have apple juice and tomato juice.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.""What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.""What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there."

1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war…by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if youre a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the worlds largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canadas most beautiful city

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?

A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.

This is my grandmothers favorite joke, as evidenced by the two minutes
it took her to stop laughing long enough to deliver the punch line. She got
it from her mother, Nellie Creed Hyde.

Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London
street corner near an irish lady.

Were planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year, said one.

Oh you oughtnt to do that, said the other, there are Irish there!
It would be awful.

Dear me! said the first lady. Well where are you going?

Salisbury, she replied.

But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish! the first objected.

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.
Why dont ye go t hell, she suggested. There be no Irish there!

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASAs response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

Until recently, British Rail was probably the holder of the most stupid excuses for train cancellations or delays, with ones like these, which are now well-known throughout the UK:

leaves on the line

the wrong kind of snow

and more recently, a lesser known one about

a cow on the line

But today, on the travel news, a company has really excelled itself, The reason for delays?

a tree had fallen on the track

This doesnt really sound very remarkable, until you realise that the company in question is London Underground.

Toasters are an often overlooked part of life. But their importance is great! A good toaster which evenly toasts the bread to the perfect light browness of delectablity is worth its weight in gold and if it can do bagels, look out! The question is what if the BIGGIES IN TECHNO made toasters? If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters…
Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was years away, and that indeed the whole toaster was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the 80s, didnt they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their ser

Whats faster than a black guy with your TV?

His brotha with your VCR.

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, Look, I have a lot of models, but why dont you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?, the Polak asks himself. I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day, the Polak tells himself.

So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer, the Polak says to himself.

The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polaks claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, Huh, it looks fine.

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, Whats that noise?