These snippets from Polish Police reports – purported to be true – have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

The corpse was very well-exposed – nicely arranged into the door frame.
The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
The suspect relieved himself – soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
Throwing water on the victim did not help – the deceased remained dead.
On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner – also dead.
With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
The owner struck the horse until death.
At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
It was a dog of Alsatian make.
The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.

Polands worst air disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

There was this Irishman and he went into the pet shop and asked the owner if he had any budgies? The pet shop owner showed him multitudes of the beautiful coloured birds. How many do you have? asked the Irishman.

Well, we have a hundred all together said the owner. Ill take them all! Said the Irishman. Well, the Irishman just so happened to be wearing a very special waistcoat, with 100 little pockets in the front, and into each one he put one of the colourful little Budgies.

The Irishman then left the shop took a taxi to the Post Office Tower in London, took the lift to the top, stood on the roof an jumped off!

Well, you can imagine what happened! Kersplat! The Irishman landed in a heap at the bottom!

His friend Shamus, who had gone with the man, rushed up to his stricken friend shouting, Paddy, Paddy, what did you do that for???

And his friend Paddy croaked, Jesus, Shamus, this Budgie Jumpings not all its cracked up to be!

Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says Have a good day!, tell them that you have other plans.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

Make a list of things to do that youve already done.

Dance naked in front of your pets.

Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothings wrong.

Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

Tattoo Out to Lunch on your forehead.

Tape pictures of your boss on watermellons and pumpkins and launch them from high places.

Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss significant other.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.

Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.

Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with ear wax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to your.

Bill your doctor for the time spent in the waiting room.

Braid the hair in each nostril.

Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.

Lie on your back eating celery … using your navel as a salt dipper.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend theyre in jail.

Make up a language and ask for directions.

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friends illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, youll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

Its a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…



MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.



SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as marketing without a degree, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can concentrate on the big picture. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.



TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.



ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest ergodynamic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel…



ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.



HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!



MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ TEAM LEADS: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.



SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager.



CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.



CONSULTANT: 666.

There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge!” the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge!” The Australian said, “Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge!” so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a cheese sandwich!” so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a vegemite sandwich!” so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, “I don’t understand, he makes his own lunch!”.

An annotated thermometer

60 Californians put on sweaters

(if they can find one in their wardrobe)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

Wisconsinites plant gardens

40 You can see your breath

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars dont start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

Minnesotans put on T-shirts

Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

Minnesota ice cream sales peak

British cars dont start

25 Boston water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream

Canadians go swimming

20 You can hear your breath

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

New York City water freezes

Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars dont start

You plan a vacation in Mexico

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 Too cold to ski

Snow removal becomes political controversy in Chicago

You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 You plan your vacation in Houston

American cars dont start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

Too cold to skate

-10 German cars dont start

Ice fishers close the doors on their shanties

Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

Street salting becomes political controversy in Chicago

Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

People in Wisconsin think about taking down the screens

Japanese cars dont start

-25 Too cold to think

The Milwaukee Brewers head for Spring Training

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath

The Mighty Monongahela freezes

Swedish cars dont start

-40 Californians disappear

Minnesotans button top button

Canadians put on sweaters

Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes

Green Bay Packers practice indoors

Alaskans close the bathroom window

-60 Wisconsinites put away gloves and take out mittens

Polar bears move south

-70 Minnesotans replace diving boards with hockey nets

Green Bay snowmobilers organize a trans-lake race to
Sault Ste. Marie

-90 The edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro

Wisconsinites pull down their ear flaps

-100 Elderly people from Michigans Upper Peninsula travel
south to Wisconsin to enjoy warmer weather

Glacier removal becomes political controversy in
Chicago

-170 Whiskey freezes

Only cherries from Door County, Wisconsin are usable in
Old Fashioneds

-297 Oxygen precipitates from atmosphere

Microbial life survives only on Wisconsin dairy
products

-445 Superconductivity begins

-452 Helium liquefies

-460 All atomic motion ceases

Hell freezes over

Illinois drivers drop below 85 mph on I-90

Mayor of Chicago and Governor of Illinois reach
agreement about glacier removal plans

Minnesotans allow as how its getting nippy

Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?

Yesterday Ive bought your sword …

Congratulations, sir, youve made the right choice!

It doesnt work.

What does it mean – doesnt work?

It doesnt cut the dragons head.

Have you read the manual, sir?

A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-bearer has read it for me aloud twice.

Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?

Yes.

Is that really so? Check it again, please.

Ive done it, I say to you!

Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.

Ough!

You shouldnt do it with your finger, sir.

What thinger? Ive done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.

You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term sharp means here …

Im not obliged to know you technical terms! Im a user, not a hardware specialist. Youd better answer why doesnt it work!

Did it work before?

I dont know, Ive bought it only yesterday!

Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?

No!

Are you sure?

Well, I only took it out of the sheath.

Did you try to grind it yourself?

What for?

You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?

No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!

Maybe its the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?

Ive downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!

I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.

What sources?! Im in the desert!

Dont be so nervous, sir.

Im not nervous!

Then why do you pant?

Because the dragon is chasing me!

Oh, so the dragon is near you?

Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!

Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.

And what if he bites my arm off?

Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.

Next time Ill buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!

Well … okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.

Well, he is such … yellow … with a red moustache …

Its clear now. You should begin with it. Its a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.

And?

Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesnt guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.

And what shall I do?

Dont use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.

Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!! …

Sir? Sir, are you okay? … Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
A. Hose A and Hose B