There is this man, he has had problems lately with his sight, and
feels it is now time to go see an optometrist.

When he comes in, the doctor tells him he will first do some simple
testing, and shows him the standard sheet with letters of
diminishing size: W X Z Y …

So the doctor asks the man: Can you read this?

The man answers: Of course I can. I am Polish!

There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch Im gonna jump off of this building."

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch Im gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich Im goona jump off of this building.

The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

The next day at their funeral the Irish mans wife said, Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didnt like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexicans wife then said, If I only knew he didnt like burritos, I would have packed something else. Finally, the blonde mans wife siad I dont know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!







DAY ONE



Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.



Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.



Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.



Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.







DAY TWO



Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.



Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.



Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.



Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.







DAY THREE



Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.



Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.



Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.







FINAL DAY



Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses or partners pillow.



Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.



Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

What is the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomanic and a
Jewish American Princess?

A prositute says Are you done yet?

A nymphomanic says Youre done already!!

A Jewish American Princess says Beige,…..I think Ill
paint the ceiling beige

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Why do Mexicans drive around in Low Riders?

– So they can drive and pick vegetables at the same time.

When is it appropriate to throw a glass of wine in your
Italian girlfriends face?

When her beard is on fire.

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere …

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating suicide while the gorgeous woman goes on talking about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by setting up a distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey.

Just a reminder, Richard Pryor will be here
on Thursday to speak on behalf of the ignited Negro fund.

If IBM made toasters …
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters …
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters …
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher-Price made toasters …
Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters …
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters …
They made good toasters in the 70s, didnt they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters …
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters …
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters …
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters …
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters …
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters …
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster …
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.

If XAVIER made toasters …
First, they would make a temporary toaster. They would plan for it to serve for several weeks while the permanent toaster was being made. Then because the new improved toaster will be so much better, they would reroute all the traffic within 3 miles of the permanent toaster. Anyone wanting to use the temporary toaster would have to walk to Kentucky and back in order to use it. They would say that the permanent toaster will be ready in five months; however, it would not be ready for at least seven months.