After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers — Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, "Ill have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all arent drinking beer, then neither shall I."

What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?

Steal a chicken…

An African hunter wandered into a cannibal village and saw a menu quoting price of $5 for Italians, $10 for Irishmen, $15 for Germans, $20 for Frenchmen and $100 for hillbillies.

The hunter told the cannibal chief prices were way too high for hillbillies.

Oh yeah, said the chief, you ever try to clean one of them?

Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an
IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering
ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held
it for Mick to see.

Shure now Mick, isnt this Sean Murphy?

No, Paddy, no, it couldnt be. Its an amazin resemblance, but Murphy
was shorter than that.

How does a Russian commit suicide?

He smells his armpit

How does an American commit suicide?

He tells this joke to a Russian.

Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

I think its raining, he said to his wife.

No, that felt more like snow to me, she replied.

No, Im sure it was just rain, he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.

Lets not fight about it, the man said. Lets ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing.

As the official approached, the man said, Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?

Its raining, of course, he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, ‘I know that felt like snow.

The man quietly replied, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

There were three construction workers who ate lunch together everyday at the top of the building they were working on. One was Italian, another was German, and the third was Polish. One day they were all grumpy and complaining about their lunches. The Italian guy says, If I get stromboli one more time, Im gonna jump off the building!

The German guy says, And if I get bratwurst one more time, Ill jump off the building, too!

The Polish guy says, Yeah, me too, Im sick of kilbasa! Ill jump, too!

The next day, the Italian guy says, Oh, thank God, I got pizza!

The German guy says, Hurray! I got schnitzel!

And the Polish guy says, Damn, I got kilbasa again! Im jumping! And sure enough, he jumps off and dies.

The two others have to call his wife and give her the grim news that hes committed suicide. Crying, she says, Thats strange, he was so happy when he left this morning…He had made his own lunch!

Why did they kick all of the midgets out of the nudist colony?

They kept getting in everyones hair.

Good girls say Thanks for a wonderful dinner …
Bad girls say, Whats for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girls man …
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties …
Bad girls dont wear any.

Good girls wax their floors …
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot …
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner …
Bad girls make reservations

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies …
Bad girls know they could do better

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss …
Bad girls never do either, unless hes very, very rich.

Good girls believe youre not fully dressed without a strand of pearls …
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food …
Bad girls love italian waiters.

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but cant afford to buy a ticket to go home.



The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.

Ill hide you away on my ship on one condition.

You have to have sex with me when I ask.



She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her hell bring her food and water and shell just have to stay hidden because shell be in big trouble if shes caught.



So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.



Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells STOWAWAY!



Scared she explains: Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!



No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!