An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there hes quite sexually

promiscuous and takes no precautions. A week after arriving back home in the



States, he awakes one morning to find his privates covered with bright green



and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The



doctor has never seen anything like it and orders tests. He tells the man to



return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later



and the doctor says, Ive got bad news for you. Youve contracted whats



known as Mongolian VD. Its very rare and almost unheard of in the States.



We know very little about it. The man looks a little relieved and says,



Well, okay, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc. The doctor



answers, Im sorry, theres no known cure. Were going to have to amputate



your penis.





The man screams in horror, Oh no! I want a second opinion!. The doctor



replies, Well its your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is the



only acceptable solution. The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,



figuring that hell know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines



him. Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease. The guys says to the



doctor, Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American



doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!. The Chinese doctor shakes



his head and laughs. Stupid American doctor! Always want to operate. Make



more money that way. No need to operate.





The guy is so relieved. Oh, thank God! he exclaims. So theres no need to



amputate my penis after all? No, the Chinese doctor replies. It fall off



by itself!

One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off the coast of England when the scout yells, Theres a English ship on the horizon. Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, who valiantly says, Bring me my red shirt. The captain dons the shirt and the British ship commences the attack. The captain and his men fight valiantly and crush the british attackers.A few days later, the scout yells, There are three English ships on the horizon. Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, and again he says (in his most manly voice), Bring me my red shirt. Again, the English ships begin their attack and the pirates fight off all three of the attacking ships.After the battle is over, one of the mates sheepishly approaches the captain and asks, Sir, why do you keep asking for your red shirt? The captain replies, I ask for the red shirt so if I am injured in battle, you will not see my blood, and will continue to fight. The crew is in awe with these words.The following week, the scout yells, There are ten English ships on the horizon. The crew again looks to the captain, waiting for him to ask for his red shirt. He is silent for a moment and then says, Bring me my brown pants.

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.The son was so overcome with grief that he didnt remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, I think Ill go up and get a coke.

No problem, said the Israeli. Ill get it for you. While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israelis shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, That looks good. I think Ill have one too.

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

How long must this go on? he asked. This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.

To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.

Teacher: James, spell dictate.

James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.

Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.

Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.

Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?

A German, a Frenchman, and a Jew were lost in the desert.

The German said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have beer!

The Frenchman said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have wine!

The Jew said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have diabetes!

Why is Stevie Wonder always Smiling?

Because he doesnt know hes black

How come they dont let the little black kids play in the sandbox?

Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.

An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked Can i help you sir?

Our man said Yes, I would like to change my name.

What is your current name? asked the clerk.

Martin Arsehole, replied the man.

The clerk laughed, and said I can see why you want a change. What would
you like your new name to be?

Tim.