Whats the mexican word for Rodney King?

– Pinata

What do you call a family of Mexicans standing in front of their house?

– A spicket fence.

An Irishman was dying and his wife was at his bedside.

She says: Pat, youve been a wonderful husband all these years. Is there anything at all that I can do for you before you go.

Pat says: No Mary, nothing at all.

Mary says: Now Pat, isnt there a thing I can do for you.

Pat says: Mary, The priests been here, Ive been shriven. Theres nothing more to do.

Mary persists: Pat, tis forty and more years youve taken such good care of me and the kids. There has to be one more thing I can do for you before you die.

Pat says: Well Mary, is that one of your famous apple pies I smell baking in the oven?

She says: Yes it is, Pat.

He says: Well, if I could have one more piece of your famous apple pie before I go.

She says: The hell with you. Thats for the wake.

How do you sink an [ethnic] submarine?

You knock on the door.

How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

Whats the difference between a vaccum cleaner and a motorcycle?

A motorcycle can hold two dirtbags.

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, Who killed Jesus Christ?

The Jewish man answered without hesitation The Romans killed him. The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews. Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, Could I have some time to think about it? The chief said, OK, but get back to me tommorrow.

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked How did The interview go? He replied, Great, I got the job, and Im already investigating a murder!

Did you hear about the Polish Lesbian ?

She loved men……

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isnt IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
Babys First Ornament would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas…
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

(Thanks to Daryl Hillen)

Three Chinese women go to see Buddha. The first one says,
Buddha, I want a man with three dragons on his chest. The second woman says, Buddha, I want a man with two dragons on his chest. The third woman says. Buddha I want a man with one dragging on the ground.