Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they dont give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when
abroad.

Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else
when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.

Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.

Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add Gday, mate and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

There was a duckling that was crying near a lake, so an owl flew down to see what was the matter with it. Why are you crying, duckling, the owl asked.

My parents walked into the middle of the road and got ran over by a truck, so I dont know who or what I am, said the duckling.

Well, youre a duckling sitting by a lake, so you must be supposed to swim, said the owl. The duckling was amazed at the wisdom of the old owl, and asked how he could ever repay him. The owl told him to simply repay the same kindness to another creature someday.

Thrilled with his new-found sense of self, the duckling went to the lake to go for a swim, determined to someday repay the favor to another animal.

He arrived at the other side of the pond and saw a crying skunk. Why are you crying?, asked the duckling.

My parents walked in the middle of the road and got ran over by a truck, so I dont know who or what I am, said the baby skunk.

Seeing an opportunity to repay the kindness that the owl had once shown him, he said, Well, youre half black, youre half white, and you stink… you must be a Mexican.

Yom Kippur is the one day of the year when the Jewish people fast.
Levy was surprised to see Cohen eating in a restaurant – and oysters
yet! Oysters? On Yom Kippur? queried Levy with raised eyebrows.
Whats wrong? answered Cohen. Yom Kippur has an R in it.

-Joey Adams

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, Whats your
name and address?

Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address.

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.

Why didnt the black man want to marry the Mexican?

– He didnt want his kids to grow up too lazy to steal.

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.

The American, aware of the Frenchmans mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.

You French people eat the entire roll of bread?! he says in an astonished tone.

Yes, replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.

Not us, says the American. We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.

The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.

Eww… says the American, You eat your bread with that jelly?

Yes, says the Frenchman.

Not us, says the American, We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.

Really? says the Frenchman, And what do you do with your used condoms?

Taken aback, the American says, Uhh… we just throw them away.

Not us, said the Frenchman, We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans.

This fella catches a leprechaun.

(Im sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories.
Well skip this part…)

…so finally the leprechaun says, Aye, ye shall have yar wish.

When?

Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye.

That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to
see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures
on his front porch.

The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, Are yew the
one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

If IBM made toasters …

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters …

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters …

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters …

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters …

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters …

Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters …

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters …

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters …

Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters …

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

One day an Italian and a Pollock were fishing on opposite sides of the same river, but the Italian guy was catching all of the fish.

Eventually, the Pollock asks the Italian, How do you get to the other side?

The Italian guy says, Ill turn on my flashlight and you can walk across the beam.

The Polish guy says, Nice try… Just because Im Polish doesnt mean that Ill fall for that. Ill get halfway across and youll turn it off!