A little boy was selling fish at the corner. Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here! When a bishop walks by. My son you dont have to use such profoned launguage. he says No Sir. i got them from a Dam. so the bishop byes some and went home.

He hand s his wife the fish and saysHoney will you cook my Damn Fish? the wife replies No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam.



so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son Please pass the Damn Fish. the boy says Right on dad! will you please pass the Fucking potatos?

There was a man on his way to work. and his truck ran out of gas. so he gets out looks around.theres a house about 3/4 of a mile down the rode. And another house about 1/2 mile . So he decides to go to the closest one. He gets to house and is about to knock. when he looks in the window. he sees a man sitting in a recliner. wacking his pud and twirling his finger in a fish tank. there also was a olady standing infront of him pushing a lawnmower back and forth on the carpert. so hes like fuck this im going to the other house. he gets there. knocks and a man anwsers the door. he asks whats the problem. he tells the man about him running out of gas about 3/4 of a mile down the road. he telles him yeh ill help. but first. will you tell me why you didnt go to the house 1/2 mile away? the man replys .i did but there fuckin crazy!! i got there and there was a man wacking his pud. with his other hand in the fish tank. twirling his finger around and an olady running a lawnmower back and forth across the capet!!! the man says there not crazy. there acouple of deaf mutes !! the olady is telling him to go mow the lawn. and hes saying. go fuck your self im going fishing!!!!!!

One day, a little boy and his dad went fishing down at the lake. they were sitting there for a while without catching anything when the boys dad pulls out a beer and starts drinking it. can i have a sip of that father? asked the little boy. his father replied does your dick touch your ass? no the little boy answered. then you cant have any beerhis father added. a little while later his father pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it. can i have a puff? asked the little boy.his father replied does your dick touch your ass? no the boy answered. then you cant smoke my cigar the father added. after a while the boy hooks a big fish and starts to real it in. once it was realed all the way in they realized that it was not a fish, but it was a big wodden box. they opened the box to out find that it was full of money. can i have some of your money son? asked the boys father. the boy replied does your dick touch your ass?. yes his father answered. the little boy concluded well then go fuck yourself.

Q. On the left side of the river there is a rooster, and on the other side there is a cat and a worm. The rooster jumps over the river and eats the worm. The cat gets frightened and jumps in the river. Whats the moral of the story?

A. For every satified cock there is a dripping wet pussy.

10 reasons why sex is better than a joke



10.Everybody likes sex & nobody likes work, except virgins & only because they havent had sex yet





9. sex moans, licks,throbs,pumps ect.,work just sucks





8. after sex you feel like smoking a cigarette after work you feel like smoking something a lot stronger





7.you only get punished during sex if you want to





6.drinking drives people to sex, work drives people to drink





5. sex rlieves stress, work is the cause of stress





4. nothing beats the hands on experence you get with sex





3. after sex you feel as if you accomplished something.





2. sex is quicker than work. at work you have to stay for at least 8 hours





1. with sex you atleast have a choice whether or not you want sex. at work you employers fuck you regardless.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I fucking didnt!

One day a nursery school teacher says to the class, Who can



use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?



A little girl jumps up and says… The sky is definitely



blue! The teacher



replies, Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can



also be gray, or orange…



A little boy quickly says…Trees are definitely green!



Teacher replies,



Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the



trees change color…



Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,



Does a fart have lumps?



The teacher looks horrified and says, Johnny! Of course



not!!!



Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didnt say anything about it. I dont remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasnt really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didnt know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didnt say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didnt, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just dont know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think hes seeing someone else.

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

Played badly today — shot 97 – – -cant putt for shit! Felt kind of tired.

Got laid though.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time, chances are you wont be needing him again.

I dont have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the fuck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I dont suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone elses weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Dont be irreplaceable – if you cant be replaced, you wont be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree, sighed the pheasant, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.