The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.

The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.

Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said That was fast.

Well I need to take a shit but Ive got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers, Thats easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

O.K. he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, Ive got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

Hello, my name is Kathy. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone to whom you send his email, $1000? How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, Ill get laid by every good looking model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them.

If youre going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. Ive seen all the send this to 10 of your closest friends and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I dont fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what youre actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, its your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter thats threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If its funny, send it on. Dont piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter hell receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Yeah… right!

Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
The Pillsbury doughboy is WAY too happy considering he has no dick.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fuck off! What good is the god damn cake if you cant eat it? What, should I eat someone elses cake instead?
When people say Its always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who are these people? Where do they come from?
When people say, while watching a movie Did you see that? No dick, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
The radio ad Hi, Im Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Dont drink and drive. I dont. Well, I hope you dont drive sober either Mr. Healey. Youre blind for Gods sake.
People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
When something is new and improved, which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over!

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. Listen, Pincus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

What did that man want? one nund asked the other.

I dont know, the second replied. He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Pinkus Fucktus.

(must be read with an Italian or other foreign accent)

One day ima gonna America to bigga hotel.

Inna morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you.

I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Caution: contains profanity

This horny gay man was walking down the street when he spotted a wino sleeping in an alley. The gay man looked around, went up the alley, quickly fucked the wino in the ass, and left $10 in the winos pocket.

Later that day, the wino found the $10 in his pocket and promptly went to the liquor store. Gimme a bottle of your cheapest wine, he told the shopkeeper. He got his bottle, went back to the alley, and drank the bottle of wine. Needless to say, he went to sleep.

Later on, the horny gay man comes walking down the street again and sees the wino sleeping in the alley. He looked around, went up the alley, quickly fucked the wino in the ass, and left $10 in the winos pocket.

When the wino woke up, he discovered the $10 in his pocket and, not believing his good luck, went to the liquor store where he got a bottle of the cheapest wine. He then went back to the alley and drank the entire bottle. Of course, he went to sleep again.

The next time the horny gay man comes by, he has a group of other horny gay men with him. They all went up the alley to where the wino slept and took turns fucking him in the ass. They all left him $10 a piece and, as quickly as they had come (hee, hee), they left.

The wino
woke up a bit later and discovered the money in his pocket and went to the liquor store.

The shopkeeper, now used to the winos tastes in wine, asked the wino: Whatll you have? The usual?

The wino replied: No. Give me a bottle of fine champagne. I dont know whats wrong, but that cheap wine was tearing my asshole apart!

A guy was telling his friend about his recent hunting trip to Alaska.
We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasnt feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting.
As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the undergrowth in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down. I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead.
Wow! replied his friend, Thats incredible. If I were you, I would have shit myself.
The first guy answered, What do you think the bear was slipping on?

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; shes a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; youre so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes her indoors

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

Addictions

Before:

You tell her you dont mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that youve taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After:

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that youre just being you.

Bodily functions

Before:

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After:

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think its hilarious.

Relations/Friends

Before:

Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think isreally nice.

After:

Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldnt mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.

Sex

Before:

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all your tricks – your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.

After:

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

Attention span

Before:

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After:

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesnt involve you. Whats more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, Are you listening to me? becomes an evening mantra.

The flip side

Before:

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships … but she suspects that youre full of shit.

After:

She knows youre full of shit

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then hes finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.

It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , It is I who made my husband a millionaire. And what was he before you married him. Asked the friend. The woman replied, A billionaire.

God says to Adam, What would you like in a wife? Hmmm, says Adam, Id like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. Id like her to do whatever I tell her to. Id like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me. Hmmmm, God says, I can do it, but itll cost you an arm and a leg. Oh, says Adam, Well what can I get for a rib?