Top Ten changes Bill Gates wants at CNN before investing heavily in Turner Broadcasting:

When covering plane crashes, reporters must point out that the planes cockpit was NOT equipped with Windows 95, and had it been, it might not have crashed (although they should omit that it probably couldnt have gotten off the ground in the first place).
Headline News must include a new section – Microsoft Upgrades Available This Week.
Ads for IBM must be followed by ads for Kaopectate.
Ads for Microsoft must be followed with ads for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.
All graphs showing the economy improving should be done using Microsoft Excel.
All graphs showing the economy worsening should be done with Lotus 1-2-3.
New voice-over This… is CNN, version 1.5, release F.
Stories about anti-trust suits against Microsoft must include the words vendetta, meritless, and witch hunt.
All weather maps have to have a big Microsoft logo next to Seattle.
A five-year publicity buildup for the new carpet.

On Clothes

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Arent cows outside a lot of the time? When its raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in! Were all wearing leather! Open the door! Were going to ruin the whole outfit here!

Traveling

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isnt that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while youre reading, you dont see where youre going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think theyre trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people dont see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares whos in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know its either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe thats what those delays are sometimes, when youre just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, Oh, I dont believe this. Dammit..I did it again. They tell you its something mechanical because they dont want to come on the P.A. system, Ladies and gentlemen, were going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. Theyre in this big ashtray by the front door. Im sorry, Ill run back and get them.

You can measure distance by time. How far away is it? Oh about 20 minutes. But it doesnt work the other way. When do you get off work? Around 3 miles.

Death

The Chalk Outline guys got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldnt draw very well. Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it? How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement….the killer must have been…Jim.

Thats Odd

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, theres a whole other room in there. Theres a guy that looks just like me in there. But the parakeet would fall for this. Id let him out of his cage, hed fly right into the mirror. And Id always think, Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesnt he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?

Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, I got the front seat. I want the front seat. I called it. And the other kid has no recourse. He called it, what can I do? If there was a kid court of law it holds up. Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. The judge says, Did he call it? Well, no, he didnt call it… He bangs the gavel. Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed.

On Dating

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance youll end up naked at the end of it. Well, Bill, the boss thinks youre the man for the job. Why dont you strip down and meet some of the people youll be working with?

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. Thats ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.

On Sex

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what were doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Theyre very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm – all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. I was first. Let me through. Youre on my tail. Thats my spot. Theyre like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: Well, whos it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. Im not swimming anywhere.

The Relationship

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman hes with is like an exit, but he doesnt want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, Look, gas, food, lodging, thats our exit, thats everything we need to be happy…Get off here, now! But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, Next exit 27 miles, and he thinks, I can make it.

Sometimes he can, sometimes he cant.

Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. Hes sitting on the curb all alone, I guess I didnt realize how many miles I was racking up.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the womans point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. Thats why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.And God said No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal. And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.And the Lord said, No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnnys dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning.

Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked…

So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied, I think I got a fuckin dog but I cant find the son of a bitch.