( A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these
jokes; Bill is an immigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always
been a little different from ours. )

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have
some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.
So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot.
The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every
morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it
wasnt very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning
to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and
promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, You are going to stop shitting in my
boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he saidTake this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.

After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

She turns to him and says, Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?

The drunk replied, Yes maam, I have indeed shit myself.

The woman says, Well, why dont you go somewhere and clean yourself up?

The drunk says, Cos Im not finished yet…

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable
decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil
priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing
problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the
mark of the amateur.
Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct
pronunciation of your deitys name in the privacy of your
own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are
often helpful.
Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight–
it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen,
various supernatural creatures, and can be downright
dangerous during thunderstorms.
Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot
stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of
cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense,
silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic,
Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.
NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es).
Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going round to
beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the
Thames.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil
Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
Dont gloat.
If you cant resist gloating, dont reveal your plans.
If you do gloat and reveal your plans, dont leave the
hero(es) to die slowly. They dont.
If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es)
to die slowly, dont have the audacity to look surprised
when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last
possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind,
start half an hour early– they hate that.
Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy
to run in while still affording ample concealment.
Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not
absolutely comfortable with.
Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure
you are not absolutely comfortable with.
When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE
YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year
if theyd just remember this simple safety tip.
When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is
now generally considered bad form.
Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims
before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the
average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone
living, or even intact.
Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do
not mix. When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary
to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to
throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that
will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good
hot bath.
Never play strip Tarot.
Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in
nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his
God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the
Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be
prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.
For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is
just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of
demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen
chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a
mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.

Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, so Ill just stay here a while.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things I shouldnt even mention.

A fuck ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So Ill leavem here, and then Ill haveta split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

This young couple got married and decided to honeymoon in Miami Beach, FL.

With limited resources, they decided to take a bus to Florida from New York City.

On the first day, the bus got as far as Delaware and it broke down. The bus company agreed to put the passengers up at a nearby motel. The young husband was most eager to consummate the marriage during that evening but, the young wife said, No. We must wait till we start our honeymoon in Miami Beach.

The next morning, the got back on the bus but, in South Carolina, the bus breaks down again. Again, the bus company agrees to put the passengers up at a local motel.

With more urgency, the young groom wants to consummate the marriage, but the young wife says, Not until we start our honeymoon in Miami Beach.

The next morning, they got back on the bus and, in Jacksonville FL, the bus breaks down for the third time. Once again, the bus company paid for a motel. They are hardly in the room a minute when the young bride tears off her clothes and his and pent up sex runs rampant.

After they are lying in bed, the young groom asks of the young bride, How is it, that after wanting to wait until the honeymoon starts in Miami Beach, you threw out all of the delays?

The young bride says to young groom, I was listening to the two people sitting in back of us and they said, by the time we get to Miami Beach, the fucking season will be over

Consider the following facts about hamsters:

Theyre found mostly in peoples houses.
They come out mainly at night.
They run around like little wind-up toys.
They have two speeds: stop and fast.
They naturally avoid people.
If you try to grab them they dive into the nearest tiny hole.
Once theyve hidden they can be extremely difficult to find.
They seem to like living in what basically amounts to a pile of trash.
They eat little bits of food, crumbs, etc.
They tend to be brown.
They reproduce very rapidly.
Fear of them (and similar creatures) is not terribly uncommon.

Conclusion: hamsters are large cockroaches.

First Grade … true story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, … And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?

The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said Holy Shit! A talking pig!

The teacher was unable to speak for the next 10 minutes.

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to make you human for a short time.

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for 15 minutes and would finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had five more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:
Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and Ill shit on its head.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf., says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf., taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…

Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!