The last 10 things any man would ever say

I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While Im up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure Id love to wear a condom.
We havent been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can
hold your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, lets watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

The last 10 things any woman would ever say

Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being
friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, its easier for me to douche that
way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please dont throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
Im wrong, you must be right again.

There was a young girl named Maxine



Who found a new use for the bean.



As a vaginal bearing



She found it long-wearing,



And it varied her fucking routine.

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I
am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a horror
movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sinks drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that Im getting
plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
the top of my lungs so that my human
can admire my kill.

I will not perch on my humans chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans bed while
theyre trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful
I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my humans candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my
human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down
and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds
to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
have been for several years. I dont have to act as if Ive just
discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
them appears in my window.

I will not play dead cat on the stairs while people are trying
to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it
will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my humans head repeatedly when shes on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesnt need my help
installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping
on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial
button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for
finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they werent
laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the
toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vets office so they will start
writing things in my records like Good Kitty and Sweet Kitty
instead of the stuff thats there now like MEAN!! BITER!!!
and GET HELP!!!!!

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
even if it isnt as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to
make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

121. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

122. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: Ones a bunch a cunning runts …

123 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

124. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?

A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

125. Q: Whats the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

127. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?

A: Ones a busy ditch.

128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?

A: A toilet wont follow you around after you use it.

129. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.

133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.

135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?

A: Put either of em in a car and their fucked.

138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?

A: So she could lip read.

139. Q: How do you drown a blond?

A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

140. Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Dont tell her to swallow.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

Man: Thats not so bad, whatcha got?

Devil: Well, Im going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if thats where you want to spend eternity.

Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and theres a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man: Ouch, that seems painful. Its not for me, whats next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. Ill take this one.

Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says – Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!

One day there was this boy that was walking up and had to take a SHIT so he droped his pants and started then he saw a police man and poled up his pants police man said whats under the hat the boy said a rabite the police man saide can i see him the boy said no the police man saide why not the said if i lift up the hat the rabite will hope a way then the police man saide how bout if you lift up the hat ill jump on the buuny the boy said ok the boy lifted up the hat and the police man jumped on the shit and the boy said DAM THAT RABIT MUST OF TOKE A SHIT AND HOLED ASS.

There were two guys fishing in a boat. And they havent caught anything all day. Suddenly the one pulls up a old lamp and wipes it off. Out comes a genie. The genie says I will give you one wish what will it be? So the guy says turn the whole lake into beer. Poof the lake is beer. The guy turns to the other and says so what do you think of that, the other guy says I think your a fucking asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.

Two nuns were driving along the road, and see a man exposing himself. Holy
Mother of God! exclaimed the Mother Superior. Sister! Show him your cross!
So the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts Fuck Off!

In The Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness was

upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves,

saying… It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and

sayeth, It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,

It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that

none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, It is a

vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,

It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto

them, It promotes growth and is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,

This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of

this Company, and in these areas in particular.

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good,

and the Plan became Policy. This Is

How Shit Happens.

A hunter walked into a pub where some of the regulars were talking about their most painful experiences. They saw him come in and asked him what his was. he answered.

Once i had just got a dear down and i had to shit. so i went over to a tree pulled down my pants and leaned over. My balls were hanging down and trigered a trap and i bolted.



Wow that was the worst. they said.



No that was only the second the first was when the chain ran out.