There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.



Well the first guy says, I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.



Well the second guy says, Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.



Well the third guy says, Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.



Well the fourth guys clearly states, Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.



The other three guys say really? Whys that?



And the fourth guys says, Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didnt know what to do … so I shit my pants!

There was a pickel ,a taco and a Dick,one day they were fightinng because they did not know who was the worst of all.So the pickel said,shit guys ive been in a jar for more than 300 years.Then they said,aaaaa thats nothin.The taco said,Mine sucks cause i dont even live for on second.they get the tomato,the cheese and the salt, and put it all over and suddenly they eat me to death ahhhhhh help…..Forget both of you. The Dick said, every single night they grab me and put a bag over and make me do push ups until i throw up.

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the
word fuck. It is one magical word! Just by its sound you can discribe pain,
displeasure, love and hate. In language fuck falls into many grammatical
categories, it can be used as a verb both intransactive (Dave fucked Anne) and
transitive (Dave was fucked by Anne). As an adverb (Anne is a good fuck) and
also as an adjective (Anne is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are not
many words with the versatility of fuck. Beside the sexual meaning of the
word, there are also the following:

Goodbye
Fuck off.

Greetings
How the fuck are you?

Fraud
I got fucked at the car auction.

Business
I hate this fucking job.

Chronology
Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Denial
I didnt fucking do it.

Dismay
Oh fuck it.

Suspicion
Who the fuck are you?

Confusion
What the fuck…?

Trouble
Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Apathy
Who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggression
Fuck you!

Difficulty
I dont understand the fucking job.

Directions
Fuck off.

Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?

Incompetence
He fucks up everything.

Lost
Where the fuck are we?

Relation
Up your fucking arse.

Oedipal
Motherfucker.

Famous Last Words Involving the Word Fuck

General Custer
Where the fuck did all those Indians come from?!

Mayor of Nagasaki
What the fuck was that?!

Captain of the Titanic
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

Where is all this fucking water coming from?!

Captain of the space shuttle Challenger
Put that fucking fag out!

Anne Boleyn
Whats a fuck?

Julius Caesar
Fuck tu, Brute!

Casanova
Boy, am I fucked!

Joan of Arc
Fuck me, its hot!

Captain of the Marie Celeste
Where the fuck is everyone?

Captain of The Herald of Free Enterprise
Fuck off, Im fishing!

Director of Chernobyl nuclear reactor plant
Oh fuck!

Emperor Nero
Wheres all that fucking smoke coming from?

Mayor of London, 1665
Oooh, fuck, a rat!

Baker, London, 1666
Fuck, I left the gas on…

Scott of The Antarctic
Fuck, is this cold!

Managing Director, Union Carbide plant, India
Fuck! What is that smell?

Witch doctor, village, kracatoa
Well, dont fucking blame me!

Henry VIII
Fuck? Of course, my dear…

Thomas a Becket
Where the fuck did you two spring from?

King Kong
Fuck, its a long way down!

Goliath
Fuck off shortarse!

Pharaoh, in pursuit of Moses and the Jews
Fuck the bridge, well take the shortcut!

Oedipus to his wife
Fuck Love, if mom could see me now…

Jaws
Fuck me, this tastes orrible!

Commander, Light Brigade
Who the fuck gave him the bugle?!

Harold of England (1066)
Fuck the French, they cant aim!

President Carter
No chance! He cant even fucking act!

John Lennon
Thats not a fucking real gun.

President Nixon
Whos going to fucking know?

Albert Einstein
Any fucking idiot could understand that.

Mayor of Hiroshima
What the fuck was that?

Picasso
It fucking does so look like her.

Pythagoras
How the fuck did you work that out?

Michelangelo
You want what on the fucking ceiling?

Walt Disney
Fuck a duck.

Noah
Scattered showers my fucking ass!

E.T.
Pick up the fuckin phone!

Spock
Fuck Logic!

Darth Vader
I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

Ghandi!
Fuck Im hungry!

Yoda
Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

Three men were lost inthe jungle and were captured by natives they were about to be killed when they were all asked if they wanted one last thing before they were killed. the first man asked for a beer he got one drank it and was killed the native who killed him says he make good canoe cover. the next man said can i get a fag so he got one smoked it and was killed. the native says ah he also make good canoe cover . finally it was the last mans turn he asked for a fork he tokk it and stabbed himself all over his body filling himself with holes and says to the native youre not making fucking canoe covers out of me

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

–Responsibility makes me nervous.

–They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldnt work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

–Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

–I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

–The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

–While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

–I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

–Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

–My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

–I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

–Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

–Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

–Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

–Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.

–Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

–Im a rabid typist.

–Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

Youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Heres the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?

One of the memos came back with WGASA written on the bottom.

The planners loved it and the rest is history.

What the planners didnt know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for Who Gives A Shit Anyhow?

Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf, says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. My what big ears you have Mr Wolf, says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf, taunts RRH.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.
I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
I dont work here. Im a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.
Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.
Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.
Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
Do I look like a people person?
This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Im trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A
man and a woman, who have never met before,

find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room

on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed

and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and
fell

asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the
lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman
saying,

"Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the

closet to get me a second blanket? Im awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just
for tonight, lets

pretend that were married." "Wow! Thats
a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking
blanket!"