Its the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.

What was the best part about your summer? she asks one boy sitting in the front row.



I went to visit my nanna, he replies.



Its fifth grade now, so well expect you to use the adult word, grandma, okay? says the teacher. The boy nods.



Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. What is your favorite food?



The girl replies, I like peppermint gummy goodies.



Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade, says the teacher. Try to use the adult word, okay? The girl nods.



The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. Do you like to read? she asks.



Yes, maam, he replies.



Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!



The boy thinks for a moment, then says, Yes, Winnie-the-Shit.

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?

A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside….. and too many of them will give you the shits!

Dont worry. Ive had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. I wont come in your mouth, I promise. Im not really married. Its only a cold sore. Looks arent important to me. I like you for your personality. Size isnt important. This wont hurt, I promise. We dont have to go all the way, well just lie here and hold each other. Well always be together. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who dont have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason (corollary to the above law). If you cant stand his mother and he cant stand yours, then youre bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but dont get caught. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when shes tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if its done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa… When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphys number one law on love and sex: Dont fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

De acuerdo con los últimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta más efectiva para el ser humano, y más placentera, es la que a continuación se detalla. (A lo largo de varios años y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podrá comprobar la veracidad de los datos estadísticos.)

El sexo es la manera más práctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cuántas calorías se pierden en cada actividad.

QUITANDO LA ROPA

Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calorías.

Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calorías.

ABRIENDO EL SOSTÉN

Con las dos manos: 8 calorías.

Con una mano: 12 calorías.

Con la boca: 85 calorías.

COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO

Con erección: 6 calorías.

Sin erección: 315 calorías.

PRELIMINARES

Intentando encontrar el clítoris: 8 calorías.

Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calorías.

POSICIONES

Misionero: 12 calorías.

69 tumbado: 78 calorías.

69 de pie: 112 calorías (Con ella de pie).

Carretilla: 216 calorías.

De perrito: 326 calorías.

Candelabro italiano: 912 calorías.

TENIENDO UN ORGASMO

Real: 112 calorías.

Falso: 315 calorías.

POST ORGASMO

Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calorías.

Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calorías.

Explicar por qué salió de la cama enseguida: 116 calorías.

CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCIÓN

Si tiene entre:

20 y 29 años: 36 calorías.

30 y 39 años: 80 calorías.

40 y 49 años: 124 calorías.

50 y 59 años: 972 calorías.

60 y 70 años: 2916 calorías.

Más de 70 años: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).

Más de 10 años de casado: 4635 calorías.

COLOCANDO LA ROPA

Con calma: 32 calorías.

Con prisa por salir: 98 calorías.

Con el papá de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calorías.

Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calorías.

Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calorías.

When the new school year starts the history teacher is so excited because there
are three little Indian boys in her class. She is beside herself with
excitement.

So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what
tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest and takes his fist and
hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, I am a Cherokee. My Father
and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this
land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.

The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand. The
little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest, takes his fist and hits
it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, I am a Comanche. My Father and I
walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land.
This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche.

The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little
Indian boy to stand up. The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his
chest, takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice, I
am a Fuckawee.

The teacher looks dumb founded. She says, I dont think there is any such tribe
as the Fuckawee.

The little boy says, My Father and I walked for many days and many nights. And
many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no
rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stopped and with his
hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looked around. He said, Hmm, where the
Fuckawee.

Wuz de night befo Crismus



An all ober de hood



Everybody wuz sleepin



Day wuz sleepin good.



Everbody wuz sleepin



all tight in they beds



Whilst Thunderbird Wine



Danced in they heads



I was passed out on de flo



Right next to my Ma



When I heard such a fuss



I thinked It must be de law!!



I looked out tru de barz



dat covered my do



Spectin de sherif



with a warrant fo sho!



Now ober de years



Sanny Claws, he be white.



But it lookin like us bros



got a black Sanny dis night



Now what I did see



made me say LAWD Lood at dat!



It was a huge watermellon cadi



pulled by dwarf rats



Faster than a po-lice car



True de air he came



an whupped up on dem warf rats



an called emm by name.



On Leroy, on Kendrick,



On Jontarious Lee, on Falacious



They was a sight to see



He didnt go down no chimbly



-just picked de lock on my do



An I says to myself-



Shit! He done did befo!



He had a big sack



full of presents I spect



With Air Jordans and Fake Gold



to go round my neck.



But he didnt leave any presents



-just started steelin my shit



He got my drugs, my stoled guns



an even my burglars kit!



With his sack on his back



Out de winder he flew



I sho woulda catched em,



but he stole my knife too!



He jumped on dat watermelon cadi



and pulled out a switch



He was gone in a second



dat son-of-a-bitch



I sho hope nex year



a white Sanny we git



Cause de black Sanny Claws



jus aint wuf a shit!

Two gays are having sex, when suddenly a guy on the TV says that there is an emergency, and everyone has to leave the city. Which one is ready to leave first?

The one on the bottom, hes already got his shit packed.

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the
second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who
isnt there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps
quiet. But when Valentines Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a
particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of
the bartender, and he says, I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you
know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you
persist in asking out empty space?

The mathematician replies, Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is
never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the
time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl
might suddenly appear there.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, Really? Interesting. But couldnt you just
ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy her a
drink? Never know – she might say yes.

The mathematician laughs, Yeah, right – how fucking likely is that to
happen?

They irritate the shit out of you.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Listen, said the CEO, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the
paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine, I just need one copy.

Lesson I – Never, ever assume that your boss knows everything.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want
to open a damn checking account.

To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?

Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account! Right now!

Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.

Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager
to tell him about her problem customer.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the
problem here?

Theres no damn problem, sonny, the elderly man says, I just won 50 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank!

I see, says the manager thoughtfully, And youre saying that this bitch here
is giving you a hard time?

Lesson II – If you are rich, you can get away with almost anything.

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to L.A. when the
American turned to the Japanese and asked, What kind of -ese are you?

The Japanese, confused, replied, Sorry but I dont understand what you mean.

The American repeated, What kind of -ese are you?

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, yelled, What kind of -ese are you? Are you
Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, or what?

The Japanese then replied, Oh, I am Japanese.

A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of -key
was he.

The American, frustrated, yelled, What do you mean what kind of -key am I?!

The Japanese said, Are you a Yankee, a donkey, or a monkey?

Lesson III – Never insult anyone.

There were these four guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who
found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the four guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, I will
give each of you one wish that Ill fulfill. Next to you are four swimming
pools. When you run towards the pool and jump, shout what you want the pool of
water to become, and your wish will come true.

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, Wine!
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was happy
swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next was the Russians turn. He did the same and shouted, Vodka! and immersed
himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, Beer! He was content with his
beer pool.

The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he
stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, Shit!

Lesson IV – Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.