Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

Zelda, youve always been by my side

When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side

When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side

When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side

When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side

And now when Im dying; you are at my side…………

Zelda, youre a fucking jinx!!

There once was a man named Dave,

who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit

and missing one tit,

but think of the money he saved!

So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. Ones got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other ones just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, howd ya get that wooden leg mate?.

The first reply’s arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark.

The second pirate is of course impressed, aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen. Howd ya get dat metal hook?

The first reply’s lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!.

Aye, dats really a pirate ting to have happen says the second pirate, again impressed.

Howd ya get dat patch on your eye?.

Well I was up in the crows nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull says the pirates pirate, and the damn ting shit right in me eye. In disbelief the second pirate says

Well, howd dat make ya blind?

The first pirate replied: Arr…first day wit me ook.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to equal the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now thats more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A Pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (Im still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home … maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, Im home. What the … ?!?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. Its like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes … can you imagine???)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life – quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm…..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If youre ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing …)

A cats urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrichs eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Star fish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, theyll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig???)

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied Heck no sister, you nuns and arent supposed to drink that stuff!

The nun said Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa, then the nun whispers She has the constipation.

The clerk said Oh, in that case, its on the house. Heres the biggest jug we have.

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and we arent going to know when to take off!

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..

Hey grandpa, no ones around can I have some?



The Grandpa thought a moment then said, Well, does dick reach your asshole?



Umm..no.



The Grandpa smiled, then you cant have one.





Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?



The grandpa replied, Does your reach dick your asshole?



The boy frowned, No.



Then you cant try it.





The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, Hey sonny pass one of those over here.



The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, That depends, does your dick reach your asshole?



The Grandpa laughed and said, Why yes it does.



To this the boy replied, Then you can go fuck yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!

Stick copper and zinc electrode needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
Shove them back and forth in Richard Geres butt. Creates static electricity.
Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
Convince hamsters theyre really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
Have hamster steal one of kubes magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once theyre at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mas to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEOs pants unless he gives you a power plant.
Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
(This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of anti-matter, a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power.
Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.

b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because theyre smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.

c. Feed the hamsters.

d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.

e. Periodically drain off the voltage.

Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldnt even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)
Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source.
Give the hamster to Scotty, hell find some way to yield 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
Take thousands of hamsters into orbit; when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
Pull the hamster out of root@sodas ass. Then when they turn red and embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity.
Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova … you couldnt want any more energy than that.
Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters, spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit, use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, theyve got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; operationally, youve now got electricity. (I say five or six hits, because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word Krups is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards.)
Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.
It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai,_Adv. Quan. Mech.
Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricity.

Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating.

In other words, its a nice tall glass of bacteria shit.

A woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says shedoesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist thatthe sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesnt know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says: Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?

Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?

Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin in the corner going Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…