In Star Wars, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.

The Enterprise needs a big engineering section with an anti-matter unit and normally requires a large crew to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie.

After resisting torture from an Imperial interrogation droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

One word: Lightsabers.

Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective to death with a single glance and a gesture.

The Death Star doesnt give a shit if a world is Class M or not.

Luke Skywalker isnt obsessed with fucking every alien chick he encounters (just his twin sister).

Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

The United Federation of Planets would be in for a big surprise when trying to liberate any ship named Slave I.

Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid fields at 1/4 impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher
asked some of her students to tell the class a story
of something that had happened to them over the summer
break in which they learned a moral.

The first student stood up and said, Well, I went to
my fathers farm, and one day we counted the eggs in
the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get,
but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs.
The moral I learned was dont count your chickens
before theyre hatched.

Very good, said the teacher.

The second student stood up and said, Well, one day
my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and
on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who
spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying
to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk.

Very good, said the teacher.

The third student stood up and said, My father told me
one of his war stories, and it went like this: He was
stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels,
12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the
whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and
blew up 20 more with the grenades.

Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten
from such a story? asked the teacher.

Dont fuck with my dad when hes drunk.

What do Polish women do after they suck cock?

– Spit out the feathers.

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
E for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germanys Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
– English well talking.
– Here speeching American.

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, If you marry my daughter, Ill make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.

The guy says, Whats wrong with her? The boss shows him a picture, and shes hideous.

The boss says, Its only fair to tell you, shes not only ugly, shes as dumb as a wall.

The guy says, I dont care what you offer me, it aint worth it.

The boss says, Ill give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and hes about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, Bring me a hammer.

She mumbles, Get the hammer. Get the hammer, and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, Get me some nails. She mumbles, Get the nails. Get the nails, and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, Fuck!

She mumbles, Get the bag. Get the bag.

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely.

The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises like a truck. VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM… SCREEEECH…..

What are you doing? inquires the doctor.

Im taking this road down to Barcelona, replies the ex-trucker.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.

On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

And what are you doing? asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

Well, pants the man, While hes in Barcelona, Im fucking his wife.

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your



hole?



I?d like



to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like



a feed bag.



If it?s



true that we are what we eat, I could be you by



morning!



How do you like



your eggs: poached, scrambled, or



fertilized?



I was about to go masturbate



and I needed a name to go with



your face.



You are so fine that I?d eat



your shit just to see where it



came from.



My love for you is like diarrhea,



I just can?t hold it in.



Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.



Let?s go



fuck.



Is that a keg in your pants? ?Cause I would love to tap



that



ass!



If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was



Christmas,



could I meet you between the holidays?



You remind me of a championship



bass, I don?t know whether



to mount you or eat you!



Your parents must



be retarded, because you are special.



Could I touch your belly button…



from the inside?



I?m not too good at algebra, but doesn?t U+I = 69?



How



about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth



open, and I?ll give



you the meat.

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up? Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, Im going to try to swim to shore. So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, I wonder if she made it. I guess its better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, I wonder if they made it! I think Id better try to make it, too. So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, Im too tired to go on! So she swam back.

234. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, Is it true that if you pull your finger out, Ill sink?

235. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said Oh, look at the deer tracks. The other blonde looks and says Those arent deer tracks, those are wolf tracks. No. Those are deer tracks. They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

236. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I cant cook

237. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test. Oh No! she said but Saint Peter said not to worry hed make it easy. Who was Gods son? said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said Andy! Thats interesting… What made you say that? said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…

238. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

239. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called How to Hug? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia…

240. A blondes response to the comment, THINK about it!: I dont have to think — Im blonde!

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, Quawwwwk … vus machst du … yeah, du … outside, standing like a schlmiel … eh?

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldnt believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot …

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. He speaks Yiddish?

Vuh den? Chinese maybe?

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his fathers adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too.

Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyers shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, Daven!

Nothing.

Daven … feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven … come on, everybodys looking at you!

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?

Dont be a schlmiel, the parrot replied. You know what odds well get for Yom Kippur?!

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could
do without the ironing lady.

Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.