In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, This is crock of shit, and it stinks.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

Just remember kiddo, shit makes a garden grow.

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
Open the fucking safe! he yells at the woman behind the
counter.
But were not a real bank, she replies, we dont have
any money, this is a sperm bank.
Dont fucking argue, open the fucking safe or Ill blow
your head off! says the guy with the gun. She obliges and
once shes opened the safe door the guy says, Take out one
of the bottles and drink it.
But its full of sperm! she replies nervously.
Dont argue, just drink it he says. She pries the cap
off and gulps it down.
Take out another one and drink it, too! he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the
guy pulls off the mask and to the womans amazement its
her husband!
There! he says, its not that fucking difficult is
it?!

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream.

Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to a place where they can cross and proceed.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, Ive always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate in a stream.

The other woman looks around and says, well, I dont see anyone around, nows your chance!

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and squats.

As she begins to urinate, she looks down. Holly shit! she exclaims, I just pissed on a man in a canoe!

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. Calm down, she says. That wasnt a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection.

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, I didnt know I had one of THOSE!



2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.



3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.



4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthers evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.



5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.



6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.



7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.



8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them not to do it and ask them not to give in to sin. Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.



9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didnt know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.



10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage ditch. Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.



11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting Redrum! Redrum! in your best groggy voice.



12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan Ohhhh, um, uh-oh, and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain ditch for all to see.



13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.



14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.



15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage ditch, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.



16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of Old McDonald Had A Farm, making the sound of the animal in their stall.



17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they dont tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.



18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds — including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.



19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.



20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.



21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim Ohmigosh…do you know what these words REALLY mean?



22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.



23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.



24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.



25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT…).



26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.



27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.



28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.



29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an Mmmm! sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.



30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.



31. Hang Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.



32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.



33. Stare at peoples feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.



34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout Im coming for you, Moby! Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.



35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN theyll pay

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon Generals office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.

Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.

2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.

3. Never moon a werewolf.

5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, I want the name of your accomplice!

6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.

7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.

8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.

9. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.

10. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.

11. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.

12. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.

13. Never walk your dog around someone elses living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.

14. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, Let me know if your bath is too hot.

15. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesnt leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.

16. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, Fuck you!

Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.

The crowd applauded – and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the
Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser,
and to make the system user-friendly, licensed the cartoon
character Woody Woodpecker as the Internet guide. Panasonic
eventually planned on a world version of the product.

A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan
last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic
suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely.

The reason: the ads featured the slogan Touch Woody – The Internet
Pecker. An American staff member at the internal product launch
explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what touch woody and
pecker meant in American slang.

-From EE Times, October 8, 1996

One day 2 leprochans were having an arguement. so they they went to a convent and they rang the doorbell. wen the nun came out one of the leprochans asked her sister, are there any nuns my size here? she replied no little leprochan, there are no nuns here your size he then said oh….well, are there any nuns any where in the world my size? she then repleis no little leprochan, there arent any nuns in the world your size he then thanked her ans she shut the door. the other leprochan started to crack up laughing and said haha u stupid bastard, i told u that u fucked a penguin!.

A guy is getting ready to hunt when his wife asks if she can go

No way. We would be getting up early and you never know what the weather is like. I just dont think you could handle it.



Please, his wife begs, you never do anything with me.



Fine, he sats, Ill see you in the morning.





The next morning the guy wakes his wife. its four in the morning. she complains.



Thats what time we go, he says, now move it.





The wife gets out of bed and sees snow all over the ground and refuses to go.





Fine, says the husband, for making me pack double the gear and being a bitch you better suck my dick or let me fuck you in the ass.





The women abruply gets on her knees. A few seconds later she pulls her head away.





oh, your dick taste like shit.





I know, says the husband, the dog didnt want to go either.