Poze din categoria ‘Foul Language’ Category

Irish eyes are smiling …

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

It was a fine summer evening at the local pub in Dublin. The bar was about half full. In one corner two fellows sat drinking pints. One fellow asks the other Now where are ya from, me lad?

The second fellow replies County Cork.

The first fellow is amazed Why thats were I hail from too! What may be your family name, then?

The second chap says It be none other than OBrien

Why that is my clan, too. What a small world. And to what school did you go?

I went to St. Brigits.

My God, So did I!! exclaimed the first fellow loudly.

So then, in what fine year did you graduate?

1954

Incredible, so did I!…

The local bobby (are they called that in Ireland?) stopped in around then to say hello to the bartender. Every thing OK, Michael?

Yes, the bartender replied, things are pretty normal – the OBrien twins are shit-faced again!

Revocation of Independence

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

To the citizens of the United States of America:



In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.



Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.



Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.



2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.



3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.



4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.



5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.



6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.



Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.



7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit



8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.



9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.



Thank you for your cooperation.

What a Chicken Gives

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

The Teacher asked, All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?

Mary answered, A chicken gives eggs!

The Teacher then asked, Now who can tell me what a goat gives?

And Paul answered, A goat gives goat milk! And finally the Teacher asked, Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?

And Little Johnny replied, Fucking homework and tests!

Trip to San Francisco

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?

The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.

Off the Toilet wall

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:

Friends dont let friends take home ugly men.
– Womens toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.

The best way to a mans heart is to saw his breastplate open.
– Womens toilet, Champaign, Illinois.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
– Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Ive decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
– Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
– The Irish Times, Washington DC.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
– Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
– Tucson, Arizona.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
– Mens toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

A Womens Rule of Thumb – if it has tyres or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.
– Womens toilet, Dallas, Texas.

Jesus Saves, but wouldnt it be better if he had invested?
– Mens toilet, American University, Washington DC.

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
– Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.

Youre too good for him.
– Sign over mirror in womens toilet, Beverly Hills, California.

No wonder you always go home alone.
– Sign over mirror in mens toilet, Beverly Hills, California.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then lets all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armands Pizza, Washington DC.

To do is to be – Descartes
To be is to do – Sartre
Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra
– Mens toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.

Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
– Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!
– Womens toilet, Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
– Revolution Books, New York.

Humor in Lawsuits

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal computer-related
duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during busy times.

Ive built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally occur;
unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and lawyers) not
paying attention to what theyre really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office) have
run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

Q I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A Forty-three. Thats okay. Youre nosy
enough. You might as well put that in.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did she appear to be in any pain? In
other words, just looking at her, did she look like
she was hurting?
A Shes so ugly it looks like she hurts
all the time.

* * * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a
question impossible to answer; outside this
persons expertise; and I dont know what it
means.

* * * * * * * *

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an
improper question and this man cannot answer
the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

* * * * * * * *

Q What happened in that accident?
A I was going around the corner and it was
wet and rainy outside, and I kind of slid down an
embankment and went into some bushes.
Q Were the police called out to that?
A A state trooper came out. And he gave me
a careless driving ticket because he told me he had
to give me a ticket. I didnt fight it, because it
was my word against the bushes, I guess you could
say.

* * * * * * * *

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here
is–
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why dont you let
her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask–
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I dont know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: Whats your question?

* * * * * * * *

Q Dr. Smith, how are you–
A Just fine.
Q Pardon?
A Just fine. Im ready to go.
Q Okay. Great. How are you employed?

* * * * * * * *

A Youve got to figure Im a pretty
conservative lady. This is the first concert I had
ever been to.
Q Of any kind?
A Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry
Lee Lewis when I was 16 years old.
Q There was no shooting at that concert,
was there?
A No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but
no shooting.

* * * * * * * *

Q What was your attorneys name?
A It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what Im
getting–
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that
Mr. Smith is not hanging out the window.
THE WITNESS: I dont know. Knowing
John, he could be.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is that the only license you hold?
A I have a marriage license.
Q Youre not a realtor or a plumber or
anything else like that?
A No. They dont require a license to have
children, which they should.

* * * * * * * *

A Well, I have never heard of anything like
that, but I suppose any help at the time would have
been a help.

* * * * * * * *

Q And the serratus anterior nerve that–
or the nerves that go to it, where do they come
from?
A The neck, the cervical region.
Q From the cervical region?
A Yes.
Q And did you do any examination of his
cervical–of his cervix–to determine if there
was any problem with his nerves going through his
neck?
A He doesnt have a cervix, but, yes, I
examined the biceps.

* * * * * * * *

Q How long have you been married to her?
A Nineteen years.
Q Is that your only marriage?
A Yes, it is, that I know of.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall discussing with John
Smith that if you were in a deposition or
anything like that and you dont want to give the
right answer, all you have to say is, I dont know.
I dont recall?
A No. I dont remember.

* * * * * * * *

Q No one went with you from Foobar to assist
you. Correct?
A It seems to me–not from Foobar. Like I
said, it was a long time ago. I mean, my memory is as
short as my peter.

* * * * * * * *

A Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes
checks his own activities. Suicidal and homicidal
ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days,
particularly following contact with his attorney.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall if you had any alcohol or
anything to drink prior to the concert?
A Yes, I did.
Q What did you have, if you remember?
A I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q You ought to have a doctor look at that.
Just kidding.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you consider him to be competent in
that area?
A I dont know. I dont have any basis to
remark about the competency of his engineering. I
do know hes dead.

* * * * * * * *

A There are very few production places in
North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there
are very few places in North Dakota.

* * * * * * * *

Q And where does sandblasting fit in your
scale of being a prestigious job? Do you think
thats a prestigious job?
A Yes, sir.
Q Okay. More so than working in a
factory, I guess.
A Yes, sir.
Q Everybodys entitled to their opinion, I
guess. I dont know. Maybe youre right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does
that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a
one-minute break sometime, whenever you feel
youre–
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you have any reason to believe that
the decision to have Mr. Jones, Mr. Brown and
yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion
of the EMS products listed in group 3 and 4 of
Exhibit–of the December 5 chart was made or–
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and
maybe I can try and figure out what I wanted to
ask.

* * * * * * * *

Q Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with
Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at some point–
A Yes.
Q –prior to his death?

* * * * * * * *

Q And what is it about that particular night that you
recall that you didnt eat at the Holiday Inn?
A What is it that I remember that I didnt eat?

* * * * * * * *

Q What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A She was drinking one of them–one of them lady drinks.
I dont know what it was.
Q She had about the same as you?
A No. Huh-uh. She doesnt drink much. Shell just have
one drink, and shell suck on it all night long.

* * * * * * * *

Q Next time you saw him?
A August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils–no,
Im sorry, checked testicle. Must be mother asking.
But I didnt find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

* * * * * * * *

Q And Detroit Murphy–what is that? Is that a school
or–
A Its Mercy, not Murphy.
Q Oh, Mercy?
A Im sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q Oh, Im sorry. Mercy.
A Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like
through the Jesuit priests program. They do things with young
boys.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir,
to identify what I am going to have marked as
Defendants Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones,
and I had them blown.

* * * * * * * *

Q Could you please, in your own words,
describe where youre touching on your body?
A Right here.
Q All right. Now, where is right here?
A Right here.
Q Is that your leg?
A No, sir. My leg is here. Thats my
stomach. I got two stomachs right here. But he was–
Q All right. You have two stomachs.

* * * * * * * *

Q Why do you handle the family finances?
A Because my mom and sister aint that
bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff
during the fishing trip after the accident and the
times you had been with him before?
A Yes.
Q Can you tell the jury about that?
A After a long period of time holding his
rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period
of time.

* * * * * * * *

Q How far apart are the rungs on the
ladder?
A Theyre usually about 12 inches to a
foot.

* * * * * * * *

Q What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal
Wear?
A I was a presser.
Q Who was your boss there?
A I forget his name. Hes the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A Yeah. Its a father-and-son operation.

* * * * * * * *

Q You dont have any intention of
dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do you?
A No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her,
and other times you want to hug her up and kiss her
nose.

* * * * * * * *

A Mr. Jones and I had had a
disagreement, the exact nature of which I dont
remember, but it was over some aspect of my work
that he wanted me to perform in a manner different
than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Joness–excuse my language coming up–Mr.
Jones said, If you fuck with me, Ill kill
you.
Q When he said, If you fuck with me, Ill
kill you, how did you interpret that?

* * * * * * * *

Q Has anybody else ever threatened to kill
you?
A No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once,
but I dont think he threatened to use it.
Q Was that in an employment contact or not?
A No. It was a social contact.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is there a difference between a
reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your
mind, if you have one?

* * * * * * * *

Q So the first thing that you heard was the
one that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that
he didnt want any women in his department. And
then second time when you were in this exact
conversation would have been after the first time?

* * * * * * * *

Q Have you tried any type of rehabilitation
or work retraining?
A No. No, sir.
Q Why not?
A Because I aint too bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q And, Doctor, are you a member of the
profession? Correct?
A What profession?
Q The medical profession.
A Oh, yes, sir.
Q And what profession are you a member of?
A The medical profession.

* * * * * * * *

Q I would like you to turn to the next
page, dated June 9, 1993.
A Yes.
Q Do you recall this incident occurring?
A Yes. The night before that I had eaten
at Beachcombers Restaurant. And I had crab. And I
had vomited in the–
Q I assure you on this question a simple
Yes or No will do.

* * * * * * * *

Q Anything else you like to do a lot?
A Look out the window.
Q Have you got a good view?
A No.
Q You just like to look out there?
A Yeah.
Q What can you see from your window?
A The apartments in front of us.
Q I guess theres usually a lot of activity out there.
A Not no more.
Q How come?
A The drug dealer moved away.

* * * * * * * *

Q Okay. Did it become a shouting match at
any time?
A Uh-huh.
Q It did?
A A big one.
Q And what was the net result?
A I left, was the result. I left. I
basically told him that I didnt care how big his
dick was.
Q How did that comment come up?
A It just came out.
Q Okay. Why did you make that comment?
Does he talk about, you know, his penis a lot?
A Yeah, he always talks about his penis.
He thinks its the greatest thing that ever walked
on earth.

* * * * * * * *

Q And what was the reason given to you for
the fact you were let go?
A The reason given to me was garnishing a
knife and arguing with the supervisor.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is the south boundary of the north half
of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter
the same line as the north boundary of the south
half of the southeast quarter of the northwest
quarter?

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you currently have normal bowel
movements?
A No.
Q In what way have they changed?
A I have a lot more gas that I–I fart a
lot more; and when I do, theyre much stronger than
the normal person.
Isnt that true, Jane?
I know its not funny, but its true.

Uncommon Perversions

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. Shes sat on the chair next to the doctor, and shes very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

What sort of perversion are you talking about? asks the doctor.

Well, said the woman, I like to be… Ohh… Ah… Ummm… Im sorry doctor, but Im too ashamed to talk about it.

Come, come, my dear. Im a doctor you know; Ive been trained to understand these problems. So whats the matter…?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

Look, he said, Im a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, Ill show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, Well my perversion is… My perversion… Oh… I like to be kissed on the bottom!

Shit, is that ALL! said the doctor. Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and Ill come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. Hey! shouted the woman, I thought you said you were a pervert?

Oh I am, said the doctor, Ive just shit in your handbag!

Bedroom football

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. Hes laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, What in the world was that?
He replies, Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.
She thinks to herself Im gonna fix him. Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, What was that?
She replies Touchdown, tie score.
Now he thinks, Im gonna fix her. Hes lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, Now what in the world was that?
He replied, Half time, switch sides.

Painfull Averies

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.

Dont you mean ovaries ? the doc says.

No she says.

We had better have a look says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says Youre right, It looks like theres been a cockatoo up there

How to buy a stereo?

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

How to buy a stereo:

Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very C00L.
The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (eg. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
Components should have a cool names.
The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame.
Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
The most important factor … Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.