A pair of cowboys, Tom and Bob, were tending a herd of cattle being driven to market. Tom said to Bob I got me a real bad set of cracked lips from all this sun we been gettin, know of anything thalll help em.

Bob thought a moment and then said Let me tell you what an old timer did during the big drive in ought five for his chapped lips.

Tom wishing to relieve the discomfort said tell me, tell me so I can do it.

Well what you got to do is stick your finger way up your horses ass and get as much shit as you can and then smear it on your lips Bob recounted.

With a puzzled look on his face Tom asked that will cure my chapped lips?

No, but it sure as hell will keep you from licking em was Bobs response.

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, well definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says well have so much snow by the end of winter, that Ill never want to see snow again. I dont think thats possible. Bob is such a nice man Im glad hes our neighbor

December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8 last night. The temperature dropped to –

20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnt realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but Ill certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldnt huff and puff so.

December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifes car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thats silly. We arent in Alaska after all..

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel

Decenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when shes right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said theyre to busy playing hockey. I think theyre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think hes lying..

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says hes too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd Only 2 of snow today. And it warmed up to

0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts?> Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think shes damn well lying.

December 24th 6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Ive just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes an idiot. If I have to watch Its A Wonderful Life one more time, Im going to kill her

December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. Shes really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. Thats the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9 predicted.

December 31st

Set fire to whats left of the house. No more shovelling.

Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????

This guy is in Toronto on holiday. He doesnt want to do all the usual touristy stuff but he does want to go up the CN tower, the worlds tallest tower. He decides he want to eat in the revolving restaurant right at the top of the tower. He books a table for the evening.

He arrives a little early so he heads to the bar where he orders a pint and starts chugging it back. While hes sitting there another bloke comes and stands beside him. The other guys orders a tequila and vodka shaken. The bartender duly makes the drink.

The guys downs the drink then casually stroles over to the window, he then opens the window and steps out. The tourist guy thinks oh shit, but nobody else seems to bat an eyelid, the guy decides to sit where he is and mind his own business.

Several minutes later the guy who jumped out the window walks back in! He orders the same drink, downs in, then walks out of the window again. The tourist guy is really spooked now, but still he says nothing because nobody else seems bothered.

Then, the window guy walks back into the bar again. The tourist can stand this no longer. He goes and asks the window guy whats going on. The guy says that if you drink tequila and vodka shaken you get the most amazing wind. so when you jump out the window and let go the chuff is so powerful that you just float down to earth.

The guys thinks he has to try this, he orders a tequila vodka shaken, downs it, then jumps out the window… SPLATT, he hits the ground leaving nothing like a greasy mess.

The bartender turn to the window bloke and says Superman youre a real wanker when your pissed.

It was alovely summers day and a husband says to his wife, Lets you me and the dog go fishing! no! says the wife , You know I hate fishing.

So the husband replys,You have a choice, you either come fishing with me and the dog, give me a blowjob or take it up the arse. Ill give you 5mins to think about it while I go in the shed.



5mins later the husband returns and says well?..



Ill give you a blowjob replys his wife.



So the wife starts giving her husband a blowjob and comes up in disgust and says,your cock tastes of shit and stinks!



the husbands answers,yeah,well the dog didnt want to go either!

Dave and his wife were laying in bed when Dave decided that he was going to go fishing. He then informed his wife that he was going to give her three options for her day. 1 was that she was going to go fishing. 2 was that she was going to give him a blow job. 3 was that she was going to screw him. He told her that he was going outside to load the boat, and would be back in 10 minutes.

Sure enough, 10 minutes passed and he returned. Dave asked his wife what her decision was. She replied that she did not want to go fishing. She then said that she did not want to screw him, so a blow job it was.



She began and lasted about three seconds when she came up spitting, and replied that his dick tasted like shit. Daves response was, Yeah I know, the dog didnt want to go either.

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this months outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.

Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in.

Sir, she inquired, Why doesnt this cow have any horns?

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: Well, maam, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keepem trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young uns by puttin a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow dont have no horns, maam, is cause its a horse.

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that shed take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy My name is Johnny Fuckhauer.

So she said Therell be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!.

The kid said No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you dont believe me!

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?

Hell no! replied a little kid from the front row, We dont even get a cookie break!

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she cant do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman:
Everyone had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore.
VIRUS woman:
Also known as wife; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you dont try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.
CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.

Three hang-glider pilots, one from New Zealand, one from South Africa, and the other from Australia, are sitting around a campfire near Ayers Rock embroiled in a conversation of bravado.

Andy, from Australia, says, I must be the meanest an toughest hang-glider dude there is, maan. Shit, just the other day, I landed in a field on top of a croc who got loose from the swamp an had ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground an snapped its neek with me bare hands.

Jaapie, from South Africa, couldnt stand to be bettered. While the froth at the corner of Andys mouth settled, he stood up and said, Well you guys leesin to this. After a 300 km flight, I landed in the middle of the desert and a five-metre Namibian desert snake came at me from under a rock. I grebbed thet bastard with mar bare hands and beet its head off end sucked its poison down in one go. End Im still here today.

The Kiwi remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick.

Joe owned one of the finest bird dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant hunting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog. Well then, youre a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him, Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck.Good luck, Joe said,hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later. That evening, Bob came back to Joes, and Joe came out to meet them. Well, how many did you get?, Joe asked. We didnt get any Bob shouted. Thats unbelievable Joe exclaimed. Bob said,Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit.