A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.



Another guy says, Whats that? The first guy says, That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.



Another one says, My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.



A girl asks, Whats that?



He says, That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.



A lady says, Thats nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.



Larry says, A wife? Whats a wife?



She says, That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

Patient: Doctor, youve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

Doctor: Thats easy. Eat shit!

Q: Whats more profitable: a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?

A: A one-story whore house because theres no fuckin overhead.

This is my apartment, but dont break anything, or youll have to pay for it.
Here, have a tic-tac. Its on me.
(To the waitress) Could I have your phone number?
Before we go back to my place, youre not afraid of cockroaches, are you?
I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?
Hey, check out the babe sittin in the corner. Wow, what a body!
What? Oh, I thought you were paying.
Nice dress. I have one at home just like it.
So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see youre eating.
I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?
No, I dont have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. Im building a submarine, when Im not playing with my inflatable doll.
(Looking at her plate) Are you going to finish that?
The mother ship will be returning next June. Then Ill be leaving for Neptune. Hey, heres a thought. You should come with me!
My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?
Well, I dont go out in public all too often. And I dont like to be touched, so dont touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me.
Im gonna do it. I bought a gun. Ive got bullets. Just wait. My bossll be yellin at me, and then, BLAM!
As soon as I saw you, I knew youd go out with me. I said to myself, Theres someone who looks desperate enough.
Does this look like ringworm to you?
Hurry up and eat, because weve got to get home in time for Star Trek.
No, Im not really a doctor. I just pretend that I am so I can pick up women.
We dont need a cab. We can walk. Its only eighteen blocks.
Do you like this shirt? Me too. I wear it every day.
Im not afraid of anything. Except heights. And confinement. And dogs, and cats, and really scary clowns. And the old lady down the street, and…
Could you drive me to the airport next week? And Im going to be moving next month, and I could use some help. Also, Ive been thinking about painting my garage. Are you any good at painting?
Have you thought about getting a Thigh-master? What about that Ultra Slim-fast, have you tried that?
Ive never been on a date here before. I usually just come here with the guys after we go to the mud-wrestling tournaments.
Hey, look at that guy. Whats he eating? And look at that other guy. I wonder if hes gonna leave a tip? Look at those people. What do you think theyre talking about? Ooh! That guy just spilled something!
I lost my job about a week after my father died. Then my wife left me. Then my dog got hit by a car. A couple days later, the landlord sent me an eviction notice. I hope Im not depressing you, because I really am a fun guy. So anyway, now my neighbour is suing me in a property dispute, and…
No, the fries are only half-price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What the hells the matter with you?! Cant you read?! Are you stupid?!
Oh, God, its eleven oclock! Ive got to get home before my wife notices Im gone!

A man died and went to hell. There he was recived by the director angel of hell. The angel asked him Are you from the first, second, or third world?.

The man said I am from the free world.

The angel said Go to department number 1.

He went there were he saw another angel. The angel said Since this part of hell is for the free domacratic world you have the choice for the way you are going to be punished. I will take you around and you will choose what suits you.

He took him to the first room where people are being grilled on a charcoal. The man said Ooooh this is too much for me.

He took him to the second room where people are being fried in hot oil. He said No this is too oily for me cant you take me to somthing which suits me. The angel asked him Where do you come from.

I am British, said the man with a proud voice.

OK, go to room number 627 that is good for you, said the angel. There the man found people standing, with half of there bodies sunk in shit, and drinking tea.

That is not too bad, said the man. He joined them and started drinking the tea. Ten minutes later the angel guard of the room said with a firm voice: OK, tea time is over, every body upside down.

1. You dress the kids up to go to K-mart.
You know the full names of more than three wrestlers.
You drive more than 35 miles with your turn signal on.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 6 dogs.
Youve ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat and saltines is an hors doeuvre.
You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
More than half your cars dont run.
Your mother doesnt remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
You honestly believe that women are turned on by animal moises and seductive toungue gestures
Youve ever barbecued spam on the grill.
The primary color on your car is primer.
You have a stuffed possum somewhere in your house.
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front.
Your diploma includes the words Trucking Institute.
Your wife or mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
The most common expression heard at your family reunions is What are you looking at shithead?
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have ever used a weed wacker indoors.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father wants you to quit high school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think that a volvo is part of a womas anatomy.
You prominently display souvenirs from graceland.
You think that beef jerky and moon pies are two major food groups.
Red man chewing tobacco sent you a christmas card.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
Your richest relative bought a new house and you had to help take the wheels off.
When asked for your ID you show your belt buckle.
Your junior/senior prom had a daycare center.
You know exactly how many bales of hay your car can hold.
Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
The pink plastic flamingo onyour lawn was not put there as a joke.
Your family tree doesnt fork.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams Jr.
The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there more than a year.
Your passenger side window is a hefty bag.
Your watch band is thicker than any book youve ever read.
You veiw duct tape as a long term investment.
Your dad walks you to school because youre in the same grade.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.

Ive been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tommorow Ive got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, Ive got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.

Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

Ive had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles The eggnog is ready!

He looks all around and with total regret,
says Whats taking so long … arent you through in here yet??

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams MY GOD WOMAN, YOURE GOING INSANE!!

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit its the pies!! Theyre burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, Id rather be dead.

Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.

Ill hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesnt work, ILL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

The following clearly explains how to use brutal anger in many creative ways, only a few of which can get you in trouble with the law (EDITORS NOTE (as if I have an editor): This post is completely bullshit, and I stand by my claims 0%. In other words, this entire post is a bunch of lies.):

Breaking stuff. Shrieking. Creative, inventive 5 minute bursts of profanity. Are these things exceptable? WELL I THINK THEY ARE AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN JUST… sorry. Now, as I was shrieking, I think this stuff should not only be acceptable, but should be taught over and over and over and over and over again in schools, every grade until the students run amok with meat cleavers in protest, which would be just what the teavhers wanted. I will provide a brief explanatory course in this post so you dont have to go back to school and learn it:

OK, the first thing you should do, if you want to be a professional caliber angerist is to buyu some angry merchandise, such as vulgar t-shirts, bumper stickers, license plate holders, etc. Then you should print some easy to shred business cards and give them to people by force. Now youre ready to start. Here are some commonly asked questions about getting pissed off (NOTE TO READERS: You can e-mail some questions to me for future postings. Try to make your questions strange, twisted,. and above all, NOT COMMONLY ASKED-LOOKING):

Q. What should you do if you are fired?

A. Walk up to your bossand curse at him for 5 minutes. Then blow your nose and/or wipe your ass on all your companies important papers. Now, smash all the electrical stuff in your office. Continue to breake stuff until your entire office is in a smoking heap spread over about 5 city blocks. Make sure you get home before the police come.

Q. What should you do if youre having trouble with your computer?

A. This is a mild case, really. All thats happening is a big complicated thing that you paid a huge amount of money for is REFUSING TO PERFORM SIMPLE TASKS SUCH AS ACTUALLY WORKING. What you should do is throw all the components of your computer at representatives of the manufacturer until he agrees to let you have 100% ownership in the company.

Q. What should you do if you have a Pentium?

A. Ram it up the president of Intels nose and demand a replacement.

Q. Is this damn post OVER yet?

A. Yes, it is.

Q. What address should I e-mail you at with questions, comments or requests?

A. Piercew@aol.com

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…

1. She doesnt need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If shes in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all shell do is complain.

4. Because she wont say I will instead of I do.

5. No man wants to hear first down during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word period unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dicks in her mouth, she cant talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I dont want to be made to lie and say I love you after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I dont want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. No, I will NOT buy you tampons while Im at the store

20. This is my dick. Im gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Dont waste your breath, I wont respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into barefoot and pregnant?

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if youre pregnant.

32. I dont care if youre in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. Were tired of their We cant pee standing up shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she cant speak, she cant cry rape.

39. Of course, if she cant speak, she cant say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she cant talk, she cant bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks shes not drinking, its hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I dont wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You dont see Victorias Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, Ill turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because theyre not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, Id ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, Id give it to you.

72. Whereve you been? Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You cant see them, do you really want to hear

them?

74. Unless the words are Doctor, can you make these bigger?, shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, Id like 99 condoms please.

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!

To which the guy replies, Make it

100.