Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.
Id like a new bike says Donny. Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood.
And Id like a radio for my room says Johnny. Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town.
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
I gotta go tell Mom says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts Mom! Theres been a terrible accident!
Yeah, yeah says his brother, We heard all about it on my new radio.
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
Wow! I gotta go tell Mom.
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says We heard it all on my new radio.
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks I gotta go tell Mom!
He races home and yells Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!
His brother says with a sneer, In a pigs ass you did!
And Donny says That FUCKIN radio!!!

In the beginning there was a Plan.

And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the faces of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, It is a crock of shit and it stinks.

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung we can not live with the smell. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, It is a container of excrement and it is very strong and none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength.

And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong.

And the Directors went unto their Vice Presidents saying unto them, It promotes growth and it is very powerful.

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him, This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the Company with very powerful effects.

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.

And that is how Shit happens.

Anonymously copied from the October issue of a popular magazine….

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about
the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.
For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material
with her mother. So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from
Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommys tummy.

Thats right, honey her mother said.

But how does the sperm get there? she asked. Does Mommy
swallow it?

If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does, came the reply.

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, Father during the week I said the F-word.



The priest says, Well my son, say 3 Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.



The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.



Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, said the guy.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied. I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy said. As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied. As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.



Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.



No, the guy replied. The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.



The priest said, Dont tell – me you missed the fucking putt!

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesnt like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesnt like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, For Valentines Day Im going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesnt like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.



The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers dont react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.



The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.



Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and were gonna get killed!

This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the
passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over.

Why? asks the girl.

Because I want to try something different, says the guy.

Thats perverted! says the girl.

What did you say? asks the guy.

I said thats perverted.

Im sorry, Im not quite sure I heard properly – what did you say?

I said thats perverted.

Shit, says the guy, thats a big word for a five year-old.

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar.

He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls All you down there… Youre all a bunch of queer cock suckers!

He then gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar… Youre all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says Where the fuck you going?

The guy says Im at the wrong end of the bar.

One day a kid was walking down the street and was getting all of these funny looks.He waent to his girlfriends house and her mom ansered the door.She screamed and said that he wasnt aloud to see her any more.When he went home more people were starring and laughing.As he walked to his room his mother said that he had to go to the doctor. He didnt know what she meant. When they got there the nurse got them in right away. As they were waiting for the doctor he glanced in the mirror.

Oh shit my nose looks like my dick but bigger! The Doctor came in and said that his body was making up for not being big in the pants.

Hey all, this is a somewhat illegal chain letter. I am sending this, however, because it is supposedly very detrimental to your sex life and/or sex organs if you dont send 20 copies out within 96 hours of receiving it. Soo… I need to keep the family jewels intact so, here is the chain letter. There are documented cases below of people who DIDNT respond, and what happened to them… GO BLUE!

This letter has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]

The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke. Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.

His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.