Farmer: Ive got a bull thats right off it duties. Its got to service



300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.



Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.







So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:







Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and



POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in



30 minutes.



Vet: So, whats the problem – why have you come back?



Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight –



could you give me one of those tablets? Im not as young as I was.



Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, its too strong but I will give you a quarter of a



pill.







So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date.



Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.







Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.



Vet: So, why have you come back?



Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist – she never showed up!

This old letch plans to marry a young blonde gold digger.

Object: breathing some new life into him.

It doesnt. In fact, she just about fucks him to death on their honeymoon.

On his deathbed, he calls for his adult sons and says he has one final request: After Im gone, cremate me, then put me in her douche bag and run me through one more time.

Q. What comes out of the penis first at the time of orgasm?

A. The wrinkles.

A college student is home for the summer from college, and is looking for ajob. He goes to K-Mart, and fills out an application. A few days later, themanager calls him and asks him to come in for an interview, which the studentdoes. When the student arrives, the manager sits him down and says Well sondo you think you have what it takes to work at The Big K? The studentthinks to himself, is this guy fucking nuts?, but nods his head and saysyes. The manager says ok, and tells the student he must get a lesson first onhow to deal with customers. They go to a cash register, and the managertells the student to watch him and learn what to do. The student agrees andafter a few minutes a customer comes to the counter, and throws down a bag ofGrass Seeds. The manager looks at the bag, and says Say, would you like alawnmower to cut that grass when it grows? The customer thinks for a secondand says yeah, why the hell not. The manager looks at the student and say Son, do u think u can do that? The student again thinks to himself Isthis guy fucking nuts?, but nods says and says he does. A few minuteslater, another customer comes to the register to get checked out, and the manager tells the student to try it. The student agrees, while the customer throws a pack of tampons up on the counter. The student looks that thetampons and says Sir, would u happen to be interested in buying one of our grasscutters, they are on sale in aisle 8? The customer looks at the student and says Why the hell would I want to buy a grasscutter? Thestudent looks at him and says well I just figured since u wouldnt be getting any pussy this weekend, that u might wanna cut your grass instead!

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman whos wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wifes faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.

Why yes, of course. said the owner, We have a very wide selection.

But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.

Well, maybe I have just what you need. remarked the owner, Wait here.

And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.

Wow, that pretty neat. said the man, But whats so special about it?

This is the Voodoo dick. remarked the owner, Watch. Then the owner commanded, Voodoo dick, rise.

All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the mans face. Voodoo dick, door.

The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.

Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, Voodoo dick, box.

The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?

Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale.

Well, I must have it. Ill give you $200 for it. demanded the man. No, not for sale. $

500. No, I cannot. $

700. I am sorry. $

1000. Well, ok.

So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say Voodoo dick, cunt and it will do the rest. explained the man.

The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded Voodoo dick, cunt.

With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick. She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.

While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.

Why in the hell were you driving so crazy? asked the officer.

Well officer, answered the wife, I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it.

To which the officer responded, Voodoo dick, my ass!

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

Social worker – We should give these seats to the children. Lawyer – Dont be stupid, fuck the children! Catholic priest – Do you really think weve got time?

Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus An all ower de hood ereybody wuz sleepin Dey wuz sleepin good

We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin our check

All ode fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru dey heads

I passed out inna flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe spectin de sheriff Wif a warrent fo sho

And what did I see I said, Lawd look at dat!! Ther wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis nite

Faster dan a Polees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An called dem by name!

On Leroy, on Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo sho Da damndest site I ebber did see

He didnt go down no chimbley He picked da lock on my doe An I sez to myself Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!

He had dis big bag Full of prezents I xpect Wid Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my neck

But he not leevin no prezents Jus stealing my shit Got my drugs, got my guns Got my crack pipe…still lit!

Wit my stuff in de bag Out da window he flewed I woudda tried to cut him But he stoled my nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda mellon An whipped out a switch He wuz gone in a seccon Dat sum of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin Anutha Sanna we git Cuz diz here Sanna Clause Jus aint werf a shit!!!

Murry Crimmus

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

3 men were in the woods. They took a wrong turn and they came to a cliff. Then suddenly a genie appeared. She said you guys finally found my home! you can now have one wish each. all you have to do is say what u want and jump off the cliff. you will land in what you want. The first guy said i wish for money he jumped and landed in money. The second guy said i wish for gold he jumped and landed in gold. The last guy went to the edge and saw the men. He was about to make a wish when he tripped over a rock he said shit!!. Then he landed in in shit.

The judge said to Mickey I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy and Mickey said, I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin Goofy!

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, What the hell happened?

As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, replied the wife.

Piss on him, answered the husband. You did, said the wife, and he fired you. Well, fuck him, said the husband. I did, and you go back to work in the morning!